Thoughts Along the Way...

The Practice of Silence

2011-12-09T01:53:00.000-05:00

Korea is a busy place. America can be a busy place, too. I've noticed that something the Lord repeatedly leads me to is the concept of silence and solitude. Why? Well, we all know we need time to think and reflect, right? We all need to unwind and let our emotions, minds and bodies come back to "neutral." We've all experienced that feeling of being wound tighter and tighter internally as the busy-ness of life builds to an uncomfortable crescendo. That stress is not only uncomfortable, it is also unhealthy. Physically, our immune system is weakened by stress, mentally our priorities become susceptible to falling out of order when we're stressed and emotionally we are more prone to "snap" causing damage to relationships. Stress is not God's will for His people. How then do we balance the busy-ness of life and the responsibilities we have with rest and peace God desires for us?

Often I'm tempted to think that if I just had more time off it would change things. That's not the case. Time of is good, but physical rest is not the same things as "soul rest." Our bodies can be still even when our hearts are in a state of unrest.

I love the verse that says, "My soul finds rest in God alone" Pslam 62:1

Many times during our worship nights the Holy Spirit will call us to wait on him. It's hard. Many times I get sleepy and begin to wonder why things are moving slowly. But, the truth is, silence and stillness are KEYS to knowing and growing in God.

Psalm 46:10 admonishes us to "be still and know He is God."

In Psalm Ecclesiastes 5:1-7

"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few... Stand in awe of God."

2011-09-30T11:00:00.002-04:00

It's Friday night, 11:29pm. The kids are still up cleaning their Legos (playing). Barry is hanging wet laundry on the drying rack (they don't do dryers here in Korea). He's a keeper. (Although, heh heh, the story of how he became so helpful would take hours to tell. Much of it is contained in this blog...)

I just wanted to do a little therapeutic typing/blogging.

So, I don't have to work on Monday because it's a national holiday. I'm not sure what we're celebrating, but I know that I don't have to go in to work. That'll be nice.

What a year it's been! Wow. We came in faith and we live by faith and we're staying in faith. The Lord has made it clear that we're not done here yet.

We are looking forward to visiting home for Christmas. I'm looking forward to the clean Georgia air. It's funny the things you take for granted. I don't know if I'll ever take clean air for granted again. We live downtown in one of the world's largest cities and the air pretty much reeks. (All the time.) It's not necessarily a complaint, it's just an observation. If you have clean air to breathe, enjoy it!

I also want to ride my bike and drive! I haven't done either since we came in January. But, oh the money you save when you don't own a car. I can get almost anywhere here by bus or subway. It's pretty cool. I never was a city girl, but it has its share of perks and conveniences.

Surprisingly, many things are more expensive here, like food, most electronics and clothing. Taxes are lower, medical care is so cheap it's pleasantly ridiculous and cell phone plans are cheaper, too.

There are obvious cultural adjustments to deal with also, but as a teacher, I get the chance everyday to see and be reminded that people are people everywhere you go. Children all over the world love to pick their noses (among other things...) and laugh and be silly.

I'm surprised by how comfortable I am now at my work place. There were such ups and downs for the first few months, but finally it seems I've reached equilibrium. Though we don't fully understand one another, we (my employers and co-workers and I) have a mutual love and respect for one another and genuinely enjoy being together. That is a blessing.

I am so very thankful that I do work in a Christian school. It's a breath of fresh air to be able to pray and speak freely about the Lord. It's encouraging to see how He is moving all over the world. I'm also so fascinated by the cultural impact on the church here and in America. We recently made some connections with the church in Holland. I'm looking forward to learning more about how they relate to one another and the Lord.

Though we're all so different and even though we can see God's creativity in the variations among nationalities and cultures, the similarities are also fascinating. Like the saying goes, "hurt people hurt people." I've seen some hurting hearts here. Relationships really are everything. The main thrust of the Bible is reconciliation. God certainly knows people well. We all need to know and experience the unfailing love of a faithful Father. There are some specific folks I am earnestly praying that for right now.

One friend in particular lost his father at a young age and is plagued with anxiety in his relationships. He struggles with loneliness and a debilitating fear of abandonment. I'm observing that the human plight is essentially the same everywhere.

We are indeed lost sheep in need of a shepherd. Jesus is that Shepherd, that indescribably comforting and calming overseer of souls. The devastating irony though, is that when you don't have Him you don't realize that it's Him you are desperately needing and wanting -- you just know that you hurt. It breaks my heart. I know what it is to feel afraid and alone and I know what it is to know the comfort of the Living God. There's nothing like it. It's more real than anything else I've ever experienced. It's personal. It's intimate. He is personal. He is intimately acquainted with us. Nothing compares to that.

I'm really praying that this friend can experience the reality of God's love and healing presence in his life. And that like it says in Psalm 62:8, that he'll learn to pour out his heart to God and really trust Him.

One of my favorite songs is by a French gal named, Isa Couvertier. Its called "Safe Place" and its about coming to find God as the "safe place" -- THE place to unload your heart and the pains of the past. It's a beautiful song and a beautiful truth.

Well, my eyes are tired, so I'm going to bed. Goodnight...

Today.

2011-06-15T00:26:00.000-04:00

Today is Wednesday, June 15th. I came in to school at 10:30am. Jenny and I led worship together for all the kids. After that I taught three 5 year old English classes in a row. At 12:30pm we ate a yummy Korean lunch. This is my planning time before my next 2 classes. I just wanted to continue the habit of writing a little.

This morning Barry and I had a really nice prayer time together. We want to continually combine faith and action as we follow after Christ. (I read James 2 today.) We took the step to come here by faith and the Lord was reminding me that we can continually live that way. Our ears are open to hear what He'll say next. Our eyes are on Him as we journey in faith. We're expectant about where He will lead us next, but for today, we'll just keep our gaze on Him and enjoy Him in the present. May today be a day where we do all we do (whether teaching, cleaning, etc.) as unto Him and for His glory.

I'm so thankful that we can enjoy fellowshipping with God throughout the day. Worship is a heart attitude, not a song. May our lives be in continual harmony with our Maker as we keep our hearts tuned into Him throughout our day.

2011-06-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I think I'm forgetting how to speak English. I want to be deliberate about making time to write because it's therapeutic for me.

There isn't a lot of time or space for writing or reflection in this season. It's a busy time, unlike the time when I was injured and I began this blog. I've heard another expat say that living in Korea is kind of like being rubbed up against a grinder. Things get knocked off of you violently and in a hurry! That's definitely what it feels like.

I look forward to being on the other side of this and being able to see some of the things God has done.

Culture

2011-03-08T07:38:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of culture lately. We've lived in a new culture now for a little over 2 months. It's much easier to detect the prevalent ideas in a culture when you are a foreigner, because they are so "normal" for the natives, but so odd for the foreigner.

In particular I've noticed the dominant Confuscianism here in Korea, even within the church. It's everywhere. Every relationship is affected by hierarchy. It's so strange. People are not seen as equals. It is perfectly acceptable for an employer, elder or anyone who outranks you socially to treat you like a child and publicly shame you or humiliate you in order to coax you toward what they deem as acceptable behavior or performance. I think it's really quite oppressive.

I've had a few encounters with it myself. It is so strange to me and it can be very hurtful. I realize that it is so normal for most Koreans that they don't even recognize that it is not congruent with the culture of God's kingdom. I also realize that I cannot talk anyone out of an idea that has been almost as present as the law of gravity, for example, constantly a part of everyday life.

It does burden my heart, though. Koreans excel in so many areas. They are such hard workers. But, I'm beginning to wonder just how deeply tied their performance is to their fear of being shamed or "losing face," as many of them call it. (Although they don't seem to have any reservations about literally losing face, by having their jaw bones shaved down or changing other aspects of their physical appearance through various types of plastic surgery.) The irony is that they are such beautiful people. Gorgeous skin and hair, perfect proportions, etc.

For me, I guess this is all part of adjusting to a new culture. It really makes me wonder what dominant ideas foreigners notice about my home culture.

I know that as Believers we are invited to participate in the culture of God's kingdom. We're also instructed to obey the laws of the land. Even Jesus paid his taxes. So, I'm wanting to know how to think, speak and teach God's kingdom ways and live free from the oppressive constraints of man's cultural ideas whilst maintaining respect for it's laws.

The word says to give honor where honor is due. The word says to respect and honor and care for your elders. These are all good things. But bondage to rules and formality is not scriptural. The word says that love must be sincere. I show respect out of love. I show honor out of love.

Also, Jesus said that the greatest among us would demonstrate that leadership through humble service marked by love and self-sacrifice. Leadership is not demonstrated by how many people fear or emulate you, but by your willingness to go low and continually look to the interests of others regardless of social status. Kingdom influence is marked by giving, not gaining. Holy Spirit, teach us to walk after Your ways and the example set by our Lord Jesus.

Snippets

2011-01-31T07:22:00.003-05:00

Yep, we're still here in Korea. I've had so many fun and interesting things happen. I'm afraid I can't remember them all. One day I got lost in the city where my school is. I walked for and hour and a half! I wore a hole in my tights. Ha! I wore those tights today and remembered my misadventure. I now know which exit to take out of the subway and I know my way quite well and haven't been lost (there) since.

I met a Brazilian girl in the subway who is light skinned and looks German -- kinda wierd. She said her grandparents were Polish and that's why she's so blond and fair. I also met an African American woman from Maryland. She's in her 50's or so and named Bessie. She teaches at a local university. What a sweet woman. We foreigners tend to stick out, so conversation with them on the subway always comes easily. No to mention the English factor. Hello. Most other folks don't speak a language that I can readily understand.

I melted into a pile of mush and tears last night when the kids ministry took us out for dinner and then sang a song of blessing over us and then handed me flowers and got Will a birthday cake made by one of Korea's most famous chefs. (I know that was a ridculously long sentence. I don't care. I'm talking, not writing.)

I tried to go into a men's only spa not once, but twice. The first time I thought it was the subway. The second time I knew it was a spa, I just didn't know it was only for men. That was fun and embarassing.

I stayed up til 1am last night moving furniture around. So cathartic.

Our sweet English worship group bought Will a pair of Nikes for his birthday. Nice!

I LOVE the kids I work with. I do a lot of small group work. One student in particular can be slain by my ill-attempts at Korean. She literally falls down on the floor with laughter. I love it. Her name is Sue and she makes my day super-bright. She'll say, "TEACHER, TEACHER!!! SAY: blah, blah, blabbity, blah, blah (Korean)." I do my best to imitate whatever it was she said and she promptly throws herself on the ground absolutely spasmodic with laughter or she gets tangled up in a chair and ends up laughing uncontrollably on the floor. It's awesome. I really don't want to know what she's trying to get me to say...

Imagery, Both Old and New

2011-01-16T01:04:00.006-05:00

Writing here feels a little bit like coming home. Long before the Korea move was on the horizon, this blog existed as a place to pour out my thoughts and process things. It's good to be here. Familiar things are a comfort amidst so much change.

So, everything is so new. I'm sitting at a simple black desk, in an unusually comfortable black office chair. There is a wall-sized window directly in front of me. If I stand and lean forward I can touch it. I am 10 stories high. Building "B" fills my view. Maybe 100 ft directly ahead, squares and rectangles of glass filled with various types of blinds, pots and plants are looking back at me. It is a motionless and boring view. To the far right I can see gigantic monitor atop a neighboring building. I sit 1 story higher than it and it gives a continual stream of ads for the crowded lines of cars below. I'm glad I have drapes so that I can make it go away.

Car engines revving and roaring, sirens and the sounds of noisy traffic will one day be familiar, but for now they are foreign. I'm used to hearing the wind shrieking past window panes that are slightly askew and the comforting rattle of it whipping through our vinyl siding while lying in my cozy pillow top bed with flannel sheets and toasty down. In the mornings I used to hear song birds, the Statham train, the squeak of the school bus brakes and the familiar whine of Lizzy, our dog, asking to go outside to relieve herself and exert her dominance over a few lingering squirrels. I feel a little too overwhelmed with the new to miss the old right now.

As I look to the left and right I see books bursting off of bookshelves. They are all in Korean, so I am unable to unlock their secrets and enjoy what they might have to offer. Behind me is a ruffly, pastel Korean comforter on top of a Korean style bed. The bed is considerably harder than any American mattress and yet it provides a haven for rest and my sweet down pillow from home greets me every time I crawl between the matching blue sheets.

I enjoy hearing the familiar sounds of Samantha on "Webkinz World" and Will clacking Legos as I type. I'm happy to be here, though I still feel fatigued from the drain of the unfamiliar and the 14 hour warp of time.

It has been especially meaningful to see Barry rise up into his role as English teacher and leader at the church. He has such a joy and energy about him that make all the paperwork and details worth it. Even working 5 days a week is a privilege that I know helped to pave the way for our visas so that we could be here. Yay! Our time with the English worship group has been very meaningful. We are reading through The 4:8 Principle as a group. It's been a neat time to share our hearts and grow together. I'm looking forward to getting to know them all better and see what the Lord will do.

Korea, Here We Come!!!

2010-12-13T14:49:00.001-05:00

I'm torn between 2 blogs at the moment. The new one is designated for our upcoming Korea Journey. The details are falling into place. You can see more at: The Blackmons in Korea

Like a City Without Walls

2010-11-25T05:18:00.005-05:00

"Like a city broken into and left without a wall, so is a person who lacks self-control." Proverbs 25:28

Bad habits are like breaches in the wall of the "city" of our lives. If left in disrepair, they become an easy access point for destruction and decay.

I felt challenged this morning to examine a few places in my life where the "wall is broken." Usually these things are easiest to spot in my children. For example, I think they consume too much sugar. (I wonder who they get that from?) That's when the Holy Spirit brought this scripture to mind. I felt like He was reminding me that any place in my own personal life where I consistently lack self-control will be an area where my children will also lack self-control. He's right.

Like the old phrase, "most things are caught, not taught" my children are affected by the areas in my life where I choose to either walk in self-control or a lack of self-discipline. As Joyce Meyer says, "either we will suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret." There are certainly several areas in my life where I've opted to simply "do as I please" and disregard a more beneficial option. Eventually, that type of behavior wears down at the wall of protection and encroaches upon the good boundaries that should be set up in our lives.

I think the Lord is kindly reminding me that I need to address some issues in my own life -- repair the wall -- and therefore help bring a lasting and effective change in the lives of my children.

The Cares of this Life

2010-11-23T22:01:00.019-05:00

A torrential down pour of thoughts
have been steadily falling lately
tugged to and fro by the blustery winds of urgent details
and demanding "to-do"s.

The days are hard to hold onto
slippery and slipping by so fast
I try to squeeze them hard and make them stop
but I cannot.

Somewhere in front of me I sense the joy of Jeremiah 29:11
it is peeking around the corner
and it keeps smiling at me
as if it knows something that I am unaware of.

But I forget to see it and I bend down to try and tie my laces
only to find that they are already tied
I wonder if I am wearing the right shoes
for this journey.

I wonder...
I wonder...
I wonder...
I... I cannot understand a journey I have not yet seen.

As I wait, the Lifter of my head
stoops low to look into my eyes and
He reminds me that
He has prepared the way.

"It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from God. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life." --Oswald Chambers

Getting Closer

2010-11-12T11:19:00.001-05:00

The moving sale was a ridiculous success. The Lord blessed it and we made $1200, which brought our savings to just enough to purchase 4 plane tickets to Seoul, South Korea. I bought the tickets a couple of days ago (wiping out our savings account.) That was a little stressful and exiting all at the same time. It was another reminder that our security is not in Navy Federal Credit Union, a paycheck, or any other earthly possession, but only in the Lord.

It feels like we just jumped out of a plane. We've got our chutes, but aren't using them yet. We have to trust that they'll open when we need them. There's no going back. But, I know with all my heart that the Father will honor His word and give us a safe landing to the place He's calling us to go. Genesis 12 is a passage that He gave me a few months back when I asked Him to talk to me regarding Korea. He simply said, "Go to the land that I will show you. I will bless you and make you a blessing." It's that simple.

We have 3 details that have yet to come together, so please pray with us that these loose ends will soon be tied up. 1) Our house. What should we do with it. Rent it out? Well, we'll need a tenant. We've had a few prospects, but nothing has solidified yet. 2) Our sweet dog, Lizzy. She'll need a home for the next year and I so want her to have people who will love and enjoy here. She loves her people and loves to snuggle and it breaks my heart to think of her feeling too lonely. 3) Our visas. We're working on them now, but we need the details to fall into place for that. Thank you so much if you've read this and will stand in prayer with us.

I'll keep you posted...

Moving Sale, October 23rd, 8am-2pm

2010-10-19T22:56:00.000-04:00

Barry and I are going through every nook and cranny in this house and clearing out all the excess junk. We're trying to get ready to rent the house out and hopefully make a little cash for plane tickets. It's all kind of overwhelming. Everywhere I look I'm constantly trying to assess whether or not the item under scrutiny should be sold, kept, returned to it's original owner, given away, trashed, packed or stored. In the word(s) of Mr.Page, my old AP History teacher, "YEEESH!!!"

Redirected

2010-10-11T22:08:00.003-04:00

Well, I just got off the phone with EPIK and they simply can't take an applicant with a family. Housing is just too tricky they say. I won't go into the entire explanation. I will say, however, that David, the interviewer, was very positive about my credentials. He said that other than the housing difficulty, my qualifications are perfect for being a candidate for teaching.

What's kind of cool about all of this is that I had heard the Lord say awhile back that this whole teaching venture was "man's plans." It was a way that made sense to us and Pastor Kidoong to get us over there. The bottom line is that the Lord has called us like he did Abram in Genesis 12 and we are going. The logistics are not the priority.

I've got more peace about going and trusting and being fully available than I do about going and being super busy with a full time job. I am definitely open to teaching if that's what the Lord chooses, but I'm not passionate about education. I simply felt obligated to pursue that option because it just made sense to us.

I was very overwhelmed at the prospect of teaching at an unknown location 5 days a week and commuting to Seoul on the weekends for 3 days of slam-packed ministry. Perhaps we'll just work with the church and trust the Lord for our income. I don't know yet. It may be that I work part-time at a location closer to the church. The Lord knows and I look forward to watching things unfold in this new adventure!

Update on the Application Process

2010-10-10T18:48:00.000-04:00

The mountain trip was very refreshing. The weather was amazing, the cabin was great, the friends were fantastic. It was a wonderful time. After just getting home, I am pretty pooped though. Why is that? Barry isn't tired at all. Hmm... I'm going to assume it's a male/female thing. I just don't have a ton of stamina.

Anyway, when I got home I checked email and found out that I have "passed the first selection phase" for the teaching job in Korea. That's exiting!

So, I'm now scheduled for an interview tomorrow evening with EPIK. I'm a little nervous about that. It came a lot quicker than I expected and my head is still spinning a little from being out of town. But, tomorrow is a new day and mercy awaits me there and I trust that clarity of mind will, too! God is my strength.

I also realize that I may not even teach at all. The Lord has secured an apartment for us at the church where we'll work on the weekends. It's a 1 bedroom apartment, but it will be our own space. I'm thankful for that. It may be that we live there and simply do ministry stuff. Or... it could be that the Lord had me finish that degree last year for a reason and that I will be working as a teacher in Korea. Or... it could be that I'll simply work part time. Really, we don't know yet.

All of that to say, I'll keep you posted on the interview!

The Application...

2010-10-05T00:09:00.000-04:00

has left my "drafts" folder and is now out in cyberspace making it's way to EPIK. Wow!!! That was one of those very deliberate and exiting "send" finger-punches. Hmmm... I'll keep you posted on what I hear. It will probably take months, but it's in the Lord's hands. Now I can relax and enjoy the upcoming trip to the mountains.

Voice Today, Inc.

2010-09-29T00:14:00.002-04:00

I just got back from the most incredible weekend. Words will not do it justice. I was asked by a friend to help lead worship for a women's retreat. I haven't had the pleasure of singing with her in years so I was happy to agree to it. As it turned out the retreat was for survivors of sexual abuse. Wow. These women had been through serious trauma. At first I was intimidated by that and then I saw how the Lord showed up to minister to and mend broken hearts. It was the most amazing ministry I've ever seen. I've been in and around the church since 1991 and I've never seen emotional healing take place like this. The founder of the group went through years of abuse herself and through Christ has forgiven her abuser and found a life of peace, joy and incredibly purpose that I witnessed first hand. Wow. This ministry is Isaiah 61 in action. I was so humbled to be in the presence of so many Overcomers. Amazing. I am so thankful that I got to be there. I was changed, too. It was truly incredible. Even the grounds keeper at the facility gave her life to Jesus and got delivered of cigarettes. God was at work in such a powerful way. I hope to stay connected to this group. I feel like I've found my ministry niche and a new group of amazing sisters.

Voice Today

Coffee is a Keeper

2010-09-11T17:37:00.000-04:00

So, I've spent the last week and a half coffee-free because I'm trying to eliminate triggers for inflammation while I'm doing this exercise/PT stuff. Coffee is very acidic and therefore can aggravate inflammation. After almost 2 weeks without it I realize that I just don't function as well without the caffeine. There are days when I literally can't get the engines going without a little help!

So, I researched low-acid coffee today and found that it's super simple to make your own. I'm very happy about this. All you do is put 1 lb of fresh ground coffee (any kind) in a bowl with 8 cups of water. You cover the bowl and put it on a shelf in the pantry for 15 hours. After that you drain the liquid with a coffee filter or cloth and then you have coffee concentrate. Just store it in a jar in the fridge and you can add 2 tablespoons to water or milk for coffee. Apparently, it still tastes like regular ole coffee, minus the acid. I'll know for sure tomorrow morning!

Here's one of the sites that had info about it :Acid-Free Coffee

"Be the Granny"

2010-08-31T21:30:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to say that phrase -- for a few reasons. First off, we now own a granny-mobile. It's a Mercury Grand Marquis -- a ginormous boat of a car. Our other 2 cars died and we wanted to pay cash for something cheap and reliable so that we could get around before we leave. We'll sell the car back to the car dude when we move in January. It's a good arrangement.

Secondly, Barry wanted to start the p90x fitness and nutrition program today. I can do the nutrition deal with him, but my body is still messed up from the injury so my version of the fitness routine is physical therapy90x. I use 3lb weights and go really, really slow. I definitely don't go to failure and I don't do push ups or pull ups since that's my injury zone. Anyway, while I was doing my little dinky exercises I kept hearing the phrase in my head, "be the granny." I used to be really competitive with sports and athletic activity. Now that I'm "humbled" it's good to remember to be smart about how I do things and to be sure I don't push my limits. I will indeed "be the granny" as long as I must. Hopefully, I'll be able to work up to something more substantial and develop a little perseverance and patience in the meantime...

Date Night

2010-08-24T23:32:00.004-04:00

Barry and I had a great date tonight. (Thanks Jessi for watching the kiddos!) We ate at Buffalo's. We had a $10 coupon. Nice! Afterwards Barry got McD's chocolate chip cookies and I got a Jittery Joe's Dutch Mocha (decaf). Yum! We finished off the night by flipping through radio stations on the way home and remembering and singing some of our favorite songs from years past. Twas fun.

I'm so thankful to be married to my best friend. It's also fun to share so much history. Though we're 5 years apart in age we both went to the same high school and grew up in the same area. If we move to Korea I'll miss hearing "y'all" and other fun colloquialisms from the South. You can take the girl out of the South, but you can't take the South out of the girl. Right?

It was good to reconnect with Barry and to just have fun being together. I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride again after all the trips and upheaval. Now that I know I'm NOT going to be back in school this Fall I'm having a much easier time getting focused and remembering my niche. I'm having a good time with the scheduling, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yay for that. It's so nice to just be home. I always was "just home" before I got hurt and then went back to school. I think I appreciate the role of wife and mom afresh these days.

Like the Word says, "Contentment with godliness is great gain." What a gift contentment is. The Lord has done so much. He is so, so good. I wish everyone could see and know the goodness that I've seen in Him, (even though I know my experience with Him doesn't even scratch the surface of who He is.) And I hope to get to know Him better and better everyday. He's just so wonderful. His attention to detail, His creativity and wisdom, and personal attentiveness are mind-blowing. Even in the fact that He decided to give us all different fingerprints. Why'd he do that? Why did He bother? He's just so amazingly personal. Here's a song to go with that thought. He made us all so unique and we all have a way to praise Him and love on Him that only we as individuals can bring. He loves the way we all relate to Him differently, just the way He made us to!

Samantha is 11

2010-08-22T01:07:00.004-04:00

Time really does fly. I can't believe Sam is 11 years old. Wowzers! She's a great kid and I'm so thankful and blessed to have had the honor of being her mom. I look forward to the years to come!

I feel the need to ramble now, so here's I go... (That's why I have this blog. I need a place to ramble and it takes too long to write it all out with pen and paper.)

I'm so glad that Fall is approaching. We've got some big changes coming up and there is a lot to be done in preparation. I was going to go back to school this fall, but I'm SO glad that I opted out of that. It was just one "iron" too many. I'm greatly relieved to have chosen not take classes right now. Did I mention that already? Because, I am so very glad that I'm NOT IN SCHOOL right now.

We're trying to get organized and get rid of our excess stuff. Speaking of which, I need to do the same for my physical body, too. I really need to be more intentional about dietary choices and exercise. I need help and motivation for that. I like the little myfitnesspal calorie counter deal. It's pretty nifty, but I seem to forget to use it.

Our best friends are house shopping. That's fun. I like to think that I'm an undercover real estate agent. I get a big kick out of researching. I'll be happy to see them settled into a bigger house soon.

Can you say "stream of consciousness?" It's 1am and the stream is flowing.

So, I have bronchitis and I'm taking steroids, which may explain all of this -- like why I'm typing any of this at all and why it's all so random. I will be completely med-free in 2 more days. Yay.

Did I mention that I'm exited about Fall coming. I am. I need to find some free mulch for the yard. Yep. We might be putting the house on the market. That's a big fat "might."

Homeschool is going really well. The kids are in a good rhythm with it. That's been nice. I had a min-breakthrough with Will. I'm letting him use my little computer desk in my bedroom sometimes for his school work. It has made such a difference for him to have a distraction-free zone. He's kind of like me -- easily distracted. I'm sure you wouldn't have any indication of that from this post, but actually I am pretty easily distracted.

Oh, and Barry got a massive pay cut. Like 30K less than what he was making. Not that we were rolling in it before. We both laughed when we found out because it was fitting in light of our possible future plans... to be unveiled later. The Lord keeps reminding me that His plans are GOOD. He has GOOD plans and He is a GOOD God. Yep. That's good to think about.

Welp, my back kind of hurts sitting in this position, I guess I'll go to bed.

And, and, AND... huh, huh... part of the reason I had to write this post is that I needed to vent on the previous post, but wasn't comfortable leaving that post up top. So, if anyone actually reads this, which I doubt, then you deserve to know the real thought process (or at least one of them) going on in my head as I aimlessly typed all of this.

Congratulations to Ian and Leslie

2010-07-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

The whirlwind weekend has almost concluded. Ian and Leslie had a lovely wedding today and an amazingly delicious rehearsal dinner last night at Mama's Boy. I know everyone is tired, but it really was a sweet time with lots of wonderful and memorable moments. If fell in love with Leslie's little nieces and nephew. They're such cute kids.

I actually introduced Leslie and Ian over 5 years ago. When things were rough I always felt bad about it, but today was a happy ending! I'm so thankful to have been able to witness the Lord's hand in bringing them to this point. He is so kind and patient with all of us.

Tomorrow is our last Korea meeting and band practice, then we're off to South Korea for 2 and a half weeks or so. Other than being momentarily wiped out I'm really looking forward to the trip. Our God is such a good, good God. It's indescribably nifty to belong to Him and be a part of His kingdom.

My Latest Awesome Adventures

2010-07-11T23:54:00.002-04:00

I mentioned the minor collision I had with a truck a few posts back. Here are a few more scrapes (no pun intended) that I've gotten myself into recently.

2 weeks ago I opened a door on my foot. There was no good reason for this. It made a blue bruise and bled. The bruise on the outside of my foot still really hurts when I wear flip flops.

1 week ago I sprained my ankle playing soccer (all by myself). I was at a park and there were lots of people around. It was pretty classic. I'm dribbling the ball around the field in my little Sambas. I'm having a grand old time. It's the first time I've played soccer since I got hurt in '07. "La dee dah! Oh what fun!" And then my left ankle turned, I bounced down to my knees and then my head did a little bobble and I made some awful shriek. I kind of limped back up and hobbled around until the sting went away. I thought it was fine until I got home and iced it and it swelled up and I had to use crutches for the next few days. That was a first for me. I've never needed crutches before and I've never sprained my ankle before. It was a fairly useless experience.

A couple of nights ago I topped every dumb thing I've ever done. It was ridiculously awesome. Yes. I was with friends at the Fox Theater. We were sitting way up top -- like 2 rows from THE top. I had to pee. I didn't want to make everyone on my row move. The 2 seats on the 2 rows directly behind me just happened to be empty. I decided to climb over them so's not to disturb anyone. So, I clear the first row just fine. I go to step over the last row and decide to do a cute little leap. There was no floor behind the last row. Yeah. So, I free fall 5-10 feet in the pitch black darkness. I was falling long enough to say, "Ooooooooooh craaaaaap!" with arms and legs flailing. Then I made my loud splat onto the concrete. I caught myself with my left knee, hip, boob and right hand. I have some bruises and minor abrasions to prove it.

After my less than graceful descent I noticed that a young girl on the top row had seen the entire event. Her eyes were as big as saucers. She probably thought she had just witnessed a suicide attempt. No, little girl, I'm just an idiot. I promptly hopped up before any ushers could come to my aid. I whispered to the little girl that though I made a lot of noise I really wasn't hurt and I scurried to the bathroom to do what I had set out to do in the first place. I emptied the old bladder and shook my head in utter disbelief at what I had just done. I also put my sweater on and took my glasses off in hopes that I could disguise myself and not be recognized by the bystanders of my little stunt.

I was in utter disbelief that I had just launched myself over the cliff of the back row at the Fox. Oh my! I still laugh out loud when I think of it. Yep, that was the most awesomely awesome thing I've ever, ever done.

1 Wedding and a Trip to South Korea

2010-07-10T22:57:00.000-04:00

We're in the home stretch before our trip. Barry and I are both in a wedding next Saturday and then we'll leave the next week for our South Korea trip. I've got our first of 2 band practices tomorrow. The details are steadily falling into place and the Lord has been so kind to put together such a great team.

It's been a busy time. The kids just got back from Kids Camp and then last night was a bachelorette party for a dear friend. Good and busy times!

oh great.

2010-07-06T11:53:00.003-04:00

I've got to pick, practice, organize, etc. the music for our Korea trip and a friend's wedding. I'm avoiding that by coming to this handy little link called "new post."

I started the day off right by grazing some one's beautiful, brand new, massive truck that was parked on the side of the street this morning. I was creeping up the hill in the neighborhood with the sun in my eyes and the morning dew and condensation still thick on the windshield. My wipers were going and my defrost was on high and I couldn't. see. a. thing. It was 7am and I was thinking, gee I'm glad kids aren't out playing this early, cuz I'd hit 'em. Then THWAP! Bump. Bump. Bump. sliiiiiide.

oh great.

So I get out of my car to find out WHAT I hit since I couldn't see anything. Wonderful. A truck. And look it's like the perfect color to blend in with the world around it. No wonder I hit it.

I left my name and number on their windshield and told them I was SO SORRY, which I am of course. It's almost noon and they haven't called yet. I keep rehearsing in my mind that when they do I will keep it simple and accept full responsibility and promptly give them my insurance info. Sigh... (I've found that you can't sue the sun or the water on your windshield and that people really aren't interested in your very valid reasons for doing dumb things.)

This whole "accepting responsibility thing" keeps chasing me around. Obviously the spiritual posts as of late have been all about how the Lord is pointing out my part in our walk together. Even my mini bio up top says that I'm trusting Him to do the work. He's really pointing out that it's not all Him. I've got to put forth effort too. I think I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this. I don't really like the idea that my choices or lack thereof can alter the course of my life, even if it's just 1mm at a time. The big choices have obvious impact, but it's all the little choices that cause you to drift. As we all know, eating to much, over sleeping, choosing to be lazy, watching dumb TV, not giving time to the Word, not guarding your heart and thoughts etc. are the things that little by little create undesirable change. We can't just walk away from the guard post and expect to stay on track. Okay Lord, you're right. Please help me to make the right choices toward godliness.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

2010-07-06T11:32:00.000-04:00

I really am deeply convicted about my need to grow in the Word and continue to move forward in God. If I were to be honest with myself I'd have to say that I'm probably softer and lazier than I've ever been. I've grown so comfortable in my life that I just don't want to move. Ouch. I clicked on this link here and read my own Words from 2007. They applied so much to where I'm at that it was almost scary. Double ouch.

God, please help me to put action into these convictions. I'm so far from where I need to be. I know you give us goals not to condemn us but to give us direction so we know where to aim. Please help me to focus my effort and energy into Your direction and goals for my life.

POH 3

2010-07-05T00:46:00.002-04:00

So, I got the kids packed earlier today, which is great, but... why am I still up??? I don't have an answer for that question. It's after midnight and I'm driving one of the church vans full of kids to camp in the morning. That's what coffee is for, I guess.

I just watched an episode of Glee online to see what is was all about. (I've seen a lot of people on facebook make comments about it.) Don't get me wrong, it was very entertaining and I loved the music, but you know, there were a lot of ideas presented that were so very contrary to the Word of God. I know, it's the world and that's what we should expect, but the way it was presented was disturbing to me for some reason. "Go ahead and have sex before you're married. Life is all about experiences..." That's a big fat lie. Here's another one: "There's only one thing required for you to be a man and that's GUTS." That's not true either! There were a lot of wrong ideas and opinions presented in a very bold and entertaining way. I'm not trying to knock TV, but I am examining the ideas that are dumped into our heads when we tune in.

To tie this into what I've been reading I want to think about the fact that there really is no reliable compass for morality within the heart of man. We don't know better. The Bible has it pegged in Jeremiah when it flat out tells us that the heart of man is deceitful. We think we've got it figured out and a lot of our conclusions about life and relationships make sense (to us) and for the most part seem to be right on, but they're just not. The only, only, ONLY accurate plumb line for all of life and relationships is the Word of God. I'm talking to myself here. As I've mentioned in the past couple of posts I'm finding myself years into this Christianity thing and I'm being reminded that my heart is no less prone to wander than it was before I met Christ. I still need the Word. I need to read it, memorize it, lean on it and let it live and work in me so that my life can be conformed to Heaven's ideas and standards. He desires abundant life for us! But, there is a little work required on our part.

Like Jesus said, our work is to believe. But, how can we believe in something we don't know about? The Holy Spirit, faithful counselor that he is, has been reminding me that it's up to me to take the time to grow in the knowledge of God by reading the Word. How can conviction and transformation be at work in my heart if it isn't turned toward the Almighty and His thoughts?

I've drifted a bit and I need to remember my Maker and His infinite kindness toward me. I want to want His Word and his ways more than I want the next great coupon find or landscape project or bike ride. I want to want to make Him smile more than I want to please even my husband or kids.

Transformation of the heart can only come from Him, but if I don't choose to put myself into the shaping power of the Word I will stunt the process. Come fan the flame.

POH 2

2010-07-03T12:12:00.004-04:00

Great book.

I'm in the middle of Chapter 9 and there are so many things I would've liked to type in and process here, but I joined a small group at church that's reading another book ("A Better Way to Pray" A. Wommack) and I've spent my extra time reading and processing it. It's a great book, too! I highly recommend it.

So, here's another stream of consciousness post. Sorry.

We're less than a month away from going to Korea. This time the team has 12 members -- much more manageable size. My dear friend, Leslie is getting married the weekend before we leave. I'm looking for a dog sitter for the 2.5 weeks we're gone. I sprained my ankle 2 days ago playing soccer. (Ouch.) I'm heading up to my mom and dad's today so the kids and I can see the fireworks on the lake. (Barry has to work. He's such a wonderful man!) The kids leave for KidsCamp on Monday morning and I'd like to get them packed BEFORE Sunday night.

Back to the book...

So, I really felt drawn to read it. I'm just going to type in an excerpt from what I've just read. This is Jerry Bridges stuff. It's just so good and reminds me that we never outgrow the need to stay in God's word and hide it in our hearts. It's only by reading the Word and letting it sink in that we come to fear the Lord and avoid conforming to the patterns of this world.

Here Jerry has been talking about the fact that we each will always have a propensity toward sin. He explains in depth the fact that we are responsible for our own choices. Each time we sin it is because we choose to, but we cannot resist without the power of the indwelling Spirit of God. Here are his suggestions based on scripture to stay on the path of holiness:

"The crucial question then is, "How do we destroy the strength and vitality of sin?" If we are to work at this difficult task, we must first have conviction."

Okay, my words here. When you've walked with Christ for years, there are times when you may recognize a particular shortcoming in yourself. Maybe it's not something that seems even big enough to tackle, but when we step back and realize that we are always called to press on in our growth in Christ we know we need to address it. For example, you may find that you tend to be judgmental in your heart toward others. Even though you may not act on these thoughts, you know they are not right. This is what I like about this book. Jerry reminds us that the motivation for growing in holiness and godliness never comes from ourselves. He gives a clear explanation that we as believers MUST humble ourselves by staying in the Word and dependent on the Spirit or we will not progress.

Back to Jerry.

"We must be persuaded that a holy life of God's will for every Christian is important. We must believe that the pursuit of holiness is worth the effort and pain required to mortify the misdeeds of the body. We must be convinced that "without holiness no one will see the Lord" (Hebrews 12:14).

"Not only must we develop conviction for living a holy life in general, but we must also develop conviction in specific areas of obedience.

"These convictions are developed through exposure to the Word of God. Our minds have far too long been accustomed to the world's values. Even after we become Christians, the world around us constantly seeks to conform us to tits value system. We are bombarded on every side by temptations to indulge our sinful natures. That is why Paul said, " Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold, but let God remake you so that your whole attitude of mind is changed" (Romans 12:2).

"Only through God's Word are our minds remolded and our values renewed."

That's just good stuff, especially for those of us who have been in the church for a long time and who tend to forget that we are continually been pulled along by the world's current, even when we don't realize it. It's only when we look to the Word of God intently that we see how far we've drifted.

POH 1

2010-06-12T23:15:00.005-04:00

I started this book today and I really want to meditate on it's contents. We as humans are not created for compromise, we're created for purity and holiness. I'm reminded through this book to catch the "little foxes" because "it is compromise on the little issues that leads to greater downfalls." Here are a few thoughts I want to ponder and process from "The Pursuit of Holiness" by Jerry Bridges:

1) "Will you begin to look at sin as an offense against a holy God, instead of as a personal defeat only?"

2) "Will you begin to take personal responsibility for your sin, realizing that as you do, you must depend on the grace of God?"

3) "And will you decide to obey God in all areas of life, however insignificant the issue may be?"

Miracle Max

2010-05-23T13:57:00.004-04:00

Little "Miracle Max" passed away last night in the arms of his dear Aunt Holly. I've never seen such devotion to a child as I've seen in Holly. She's been his constant caregiver. She's been there through every surgery, watched him practically everyday all day and every night, coached him into eating solid foods, helped him learn to walk, took him on trips and outings and was literally like a guardian angel to him.

Max woke up suddenly last night and asked Holly to hold him. He laid his head on her shoulder and he quietly passed away. He will be missed.

Be in prayer for sweet Holly. I'm sure a piece of her heart is now irretrievable, locked away within the heart of Heaven with Max. She invested her life into this child and he is now beyond the veil of eternity. God will be her comfort and strength, but the loss will leave a scar.

Last night she felt prompted to read Psalm 23 to Max. She reminded him of God's care and his angels that are ever present. Her arms were a physical reality to Max of the very real and ever present love of God. Quietly and peacefully in the watches of the night, that love came and took him home.

The Return of Mommyhood

2010-05-09T22:25:00.002-04:00

It is Mother's Day and I'm having such a fun time planning my re-entry into Mommyhood. No, I'm not pregnant! I'm just happy to have my life back after finishing school. Yay! I can cook and paint the kids rooms and start tending to all of those little chores that have nagged me for so long. (I am trusting that my chest will hold up and that I'm ready to get back in the game.) Sam wants to help me meal plan and cook, which I am thrilled about. I'm also hoping to systematically work through the entire house to get it back into shape. And I'd like to master the art of couponing, although I stopped at 5 gas stations today before I figured out that the AJC will NOT be found in Athens. Looks like I'll have to zip over to Walton County for that. Anywho, these are just some of my thoughts as I move into the next chapter.

That's all I have to say.

Dusting Off the Vision...

2010-05-07T11:54:00.007-04:00

Whew!!! I'm done. I've kicked up a lot of dust this semester and I'm a bit dazed after finishing. In the last few weeks, I think my goal literally became finishing just so I could attain couch potato-dom and not have to do any more work.

Yesterday I was talking to Sam and telling her that I was almost done and that as of today (Friday) I would also have fulfilled my commitment for early morning prayer. She said, "That's great, Mom! Now you can sleep as late as you want and bum around for the rest of your life!!!" That really struck me. Is that really what I'm after? Because, sometimes that's how I live -- like the best thing ever is to avoid all pain and work and just nestle myself in comfort and ease.

This morning, reluctant as I was to leave my warm bed and drive to the church for prayer the Lord was so good to meet me there. (He always does. It's really pretty stinkin' amazing.) Today was such a neat time where the Lord did a phenomenal job dusting off my vision, letting me see it afresh and then handing it back to me. I'm kind of in awe. I totally expected to leave prayer today and plan on moving onto the next thing without looking back, but the Lord allowed me to see how the events of my life have unfolded in such a way as to remind me that my home and my calling are found in His presence and in the place of prayer. Nothing about early morning prayer appeals to the natural man, but it is in that secret place that the heart of Heaven can be found and I am changed. That's worth the inconvenience of missing a little sleep.

I was just listening to Barry read aloud to the kids. The first lines he read served as yet another confirmation of what the Lord has been speaking to me today. Here it is:

"Life was hard. Life was good. Most folks think this is a contradiction, but I have learned that the hardest, most difficult times of my life caused the most growth in my character. At the very least, those hard times prepared me for a better future." Kingdom's Edge by Chuck Black

4 Down, 1 to Go!

2010-05-05T11:30:00.003-04:00

Okay, so my 16 hour semester at Georgia is winding down to a close. Hopefully, I've gained some helpful knowledge in the process. I have 1 more final on Thursday and then I'm done. What a relief that will be.

Next years Korea team formation is underway. I would've chosen to start that project after school ended, but it's not entirely up to me so... I'm in the middle of that also. We're taking 10 folks this year, which will be much more manageable compared to the 22 that went last year. Also, we'll only do 1 camp instead of 2 like we did last year. And... we get to write our own curriculum instead of using a VBS, like Crocodile Dock. Who wants to teach kids about the plagues anyway? Yeesh! I'm really exited about this year's camp.

Right now I feel like I'm in limbo with finishing school, getting camp stuff ready, summer trips, etc. But, it'll all fall into place and there's a great summer coming up SOON! Yay! Hopefully, I can be a little more consistent with blogging. It's a great outlet and now that I'm not typing up endless notes for classes my fingers can type here instead.

2010

2010-01-03T00:08:00.003-05:00

Three things I know:

1) God really is good.

2) God really does love me.

3) God really is shepherding my life with tender care and concern.

Those things remain. Throughout all the shaking that's happened in my life in the past few years, it's comforting to see that what matters most is what remains. Those things won't go anywhere.

With that being said, I really don't have any New Year's Resolutions. I'm just learning to lean into what I know to be true and let the rest fall where it may! I'm learning to keep my sticky fingers off the Shepherd's staff and just enjoy the journey, where ever it may lead. His plans are better than mine anyway. (Ephesians 3:20.)

Updates on the homefront: The Blackmons are doing well and I'm seeing the Lord do many new and wonderful things in my extended family. Barry's homeschooling the kids. Wow. And I'll be done with school in the Spring. Yay! After that I plan on just being Mommy and wife again and Lord willing, continuing with the music.

That's about it. I figured I stick up a new post before I'm swamped with school and neglect things again for a while.

Sweet Ava

2009-09-29T20:28:00.010-04:00

Sweet little Ava Costa was born today. She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and has a head full of dark hair. We're so exited to finally meet her. Congratulations to our dear friends, The Costas!

Sam and Ava 9-29-09

Bella and Ava 9/29/09

More Thoughts on Suffering and Hope

2009-09-26T12:55:00.010-04:00

So, how is it that genuine hope, hope that doesn't disappoint, comes as a result of suffering. That's not logical is it? Why must it be forged in a season of suffering?

These are the thoughts I've had with the Lord today on this:

A paradigm shift is required in order to learn to live life from the inside out. When we come into the world, we take in all of our experiences and understanding from the outside world via our senses. We assimilate those experiences with our natural minds and we build perspectives and opinions based on those experiences and the understandings we come to as a result of interpreting those experiences with our intellect. Our entire world view and reference point for all that we are and how to relate to the world around us is entirely self-made.

Because we are born spiritually dead, we are left with nothing but human reasoning in developing our paradigms and references for life. When we are born again and receive the Spirit of God, our Spirit man is made alive again and we now have an internal source for wisdom and life. The only problem is that we have already been conditioned and programmed to interpret life without the Spirit.

I think that in order to learn to live life from the spirit man as opposed to our natural understanding, we must travel through seasons where our human intellect and natural hope dies. Those paradigms must be given opportunity to "self-destruct" so that we can make room for the paradigms and realities of a life lived in conjunction with the indwelling Spirit of God.

Suffering is obviously not fun and based on the nature and character of God, I KNOW that He only permits it because of the incredible benefits. As our natural hope dies we are able to embrace life as the indwelling Spirit intends it to be. A life of rest and peace based in intimacy and sweet dependence on God.

I love the scripture from Deuteronomy 33:12 that says, "let the beloved of the Lord rest secure between His shoulders." What a beautiful picture of intimacy, rest and trust. But, the Lord is not a physical presence in our lives, so how is it that we can learn to experience this and live in that place of continual intimacy with God? How is it that we can really experience that type of rest and closeness with Him?

It is only in having Him Shepherd us into new paradigms of the heart and mind that teach and enable us to live in continual fellowship with the indwelling spirit of God. Here is our rest, here is our hope, here is the intimacy that we all long for. Living life in the abiding presence our loving King. He's made His home in our hearts and He longs to reveal what that means and the wonderful intimacy that provides. Will we journey with Him into the frightening places of letting go of our self-made paradigms and into real life with His Spirit?

Thoughts on Suffering and Hope

2009-09-24T06:36:00.010-04:00

I'm not sure to start with this and rather than wait until I know exactly what my thoughts are here, I'm just going to start processing as I type. At the moment I should probably be studying, but I'd rather delve into some of this stuff.

Pain, crushing, fire, the crucible, being stuck between a rock and a hard place for way longer than you ever thought you could handle, sleeplessness, hopelessness, despair, depression, unalterable new realities, sickness, death and finally... HOPE...

It begins with suffering.

We are surrounded by it and touched by it more than we'd like to admit. Much to our dismay, the Bible is full of references to it. The world is flooded with it, despite our ostrich like attempts to bury our heads in the worthless sands of entertainment. As believers, what do we do with our pain? When we can't escape it where do we go? What do we do? Where is the purpose? If we have no control over when it will end how can we have courage to endure it?

I know from experience that there are seasons of suffering in life and that no matter how hard we try, we cannot rush ourselves out of those seasons. They often come unexpectedly and stay longer than we'd like. They can push us beyond natural limits into frightening places. Sometimes it seems that they push us right off the edge of the cliffs of our sanity and into a terrifying free fall of forced trust. We frantically grasp the empty air for the fingers of our unseen God and some semblance of comfort and stability as we find ourselves falling, falling, falling outside of our known reality and into a place that is clearly "off the page" of our world view.

I've been in a place like that, a place where my old identity was swallowed up in a darkness that seemed to know no bounds, a hopelessness that seemed to saturate my soul and seep into all caverns of my heart. My reference point for God's character and presence in my life simply melted beneath the cool chill of that despair and I was left with nothing familiar -- nothing to lean on. The old reality and confidence vaporized as all that I said I believe in was violently tested. The lights in my soul clicked off one by one until I was left with a sickening silence, a rush of darkness and the sound of nothing but thin cold whispers of truths that once warmed my heart. My heart dangled beyond the edge of life as I had understood it.

Suffering...

Plunging into new territories of the heart -- uncomfortable, even soul crushing, barren landscapes. But, when we enter into places where our hope is unseen, we begin to encounter real hope. "...hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?" Romans 8:25. Real hope, hope that doesn't disappoint, can only be forged in places where hope cannot be seen. In the desolate landscapes where we would never take ourselves, we are given gifts of immeasurable worth, gifts that can sustain and fortify in any season, gifts that endure until the realities of our hope are finally manifest and we see with our eyes what we've only seen with our souls.

Pinch My NOSE!!!

2009-09-21T20:57:00.005-04:00

Strange, but true, this is what Sam says to me every night. Four days a week I have to leave the house before 7am to get to school on time and Sam wants to see me before I go. I never can get her to wake up that early, so she always tells me to pinch her nose in order to wake her up. I just can't bring myself to do that. She looks so sweet and innocent, why would I pinch her nose? Maybe I'll have to just get over it and do it tomorrow morning...

Another random anecdote. (We Blackmons are weird.) One time Sam told Will, "I've always wanted to be woken up by having someone stuff a donut in my mouth." So the next time Barry brings donuts home Will happens to be up before Sam and shares this with me. "Why not?" I think. So, I follow Will into Sam's room and he shoves a chocolate donut with sprinkles into Sam's mouth. She smacks her lips and starts chewing and says, "mmhhhmmm." It was so funny. I think I might want to punch anyone who did that to me, but Sam knows herself pretty well and she knew she'd love it. This really happened. She really was dead asleep and Will really stuffed a donut in her mouth to wake her up. What a silly, quirky family. I sure do love them!

Back in the Dawg Pen...

2009-09-05T20:46:00.002-04:00

So, I'm back in school. I'm taking Korean and a service learning course that helps with ESL. So far, so good!

Pictures from Korea Trip

2009-08-19T07:13:00.000-04:00

http://www.strawsermusicstudio.com/Strawser_Music_Studio/Trip_to_Korea/Trip_to_Korea.html

The Final Countdown

2009-08-01T20:40:00.003-04:00

Well, here we are, one day away from leaving for our Korea trip. I can't believe it's finally here. This year we're taking a team of about 18 with us, so there have been many more details to handle. Needless to say, my packing job is a lot sloppier than it was last year. I know we're in for an exiting time. Flexibility is the key, the say. We'll fly 14 hours over there and then start camp the NEXT morning. Holy Toledo!!! We are definitely relying on God's supernatural power for this--there's just no other way. Last year I had terrible jet lag, so I'm trusting in faith that God will give us all the ability to love these kids and let the Lord work through us regardless of our physical or emotional state. I'm hanging on to Galatians 2:20. I no longer live, but Christ lives through me.

I'll try to post some things, but there are no guarantees. It's easier to just update facebook status. We'll see. We're super exited. What a wacky couple of year it has been. It's so fun to be able to see the Lord's faithfulness and kindness despite the hardships. He really is so, so good!

Getting Closer...

2009-07-17T22:45:00.002-04:00

Well, we're about 2 weeks away from leaving for Korea. Things are falling into place bit by bit. Our training meeting last week was a lot of fun! We've got a great group of folks. I still need van drivers, but other than that, I think all the big stuff is taken care of. We've got 2 more training meetings/band practices a parents meeting and a sleep-over. The Lord is so good (regardless of circumstances) and I'm thankful that He is over all of this.

Yay!

2009-06-29T21:55:00.002-04:00

Thanks to God's grace and people's prayers I got the curriculum DONE! Yahoo!!! I sent it all to Eunyoung today. Hopefully it won't need a lot of tweaking after she looks at it. We've got another team meeting tomorrow night and I'm hoping to have copies of all the curriculum to pass out. Unfortunately my printer stopped working today. Nice timing, eh? Oh well. Maybe I'll go to Kinko's or something.

Go See Rachel's Gorilla Hunt

2009-06-27T11:05:00.001-04:00

http://rachelchilders.blogspot.com

Fort Yargo

2009-06-22T10:07:00.003-04:00

I took the kids to Fort Yargo the other day. Barry and I really like the bike trails over there. The kids wanted to swim so we braved the crowd and I let them get in the water for a few minutes. People must've been really desperate to cool off that day because as we were leaving we passed a granny and a young girl, both topless. Granny did have on a white cotton bra, mind you, but still, it was more than I wanted to see. She must have been REALLY hot to disrobe in such a large crowd. Both of them were knee deep in the water when we left. I guess she reckoned that her bra covered more than most swimsuits do these days.

Fried Green Tomatoes

2009-06-18T19:07:00.003-04:00

We had fried green tomatoes tonight from our garden and it was WONDERFULLY YUMMY! I love eating stuff that we grew. It's free and it tastes good. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Also, on the Blackmon front, we just had a Korea team meeting. It went really well. I feel like we're connecting well as a team and that we've been able to connect with the Lord about the camp. That is reassuring indeed. It's great to know that the Lord has His hand on things from start to finish.

Now I (with the Lord's help) need to finish the curriculum tweakage and development, pick out visual aids, make copies of them and then put them together with the team at our next meeting. I'm a good starter, but not a good finisher. If anyone actually reads this blog do me a favor and please, right now, just say, "Jesus, help her finish this!" Thank you.

So, our next meeting is in 2 weeks and then in July we'll start our training. We're all really exited about this. A couple of folks are nervous about the North Korean missile craziness, but I figure if there's a real problem our team in Korea will let us know. God's a lot bigger than some weird-o with bad hair and some missile threats.

Oh, and something that makes me incredibly happy that's not related to anything else in this post, which is perfectly logical for me since I tend toward complete randomness, a few months back the Lord very specifically let me know that I'm called to minister to His heart. I had really lost sight of that and anyway, He's opened up a door for me to do devo sets at IHOP. I loooove it because it's just about the worship. Nobody knows or cares who you are or what you look like or anything. You just sneak up there, worship in a very low-profile way and then leave. It's GREAT! It's the ideal environment for worshipping if you ask me and I am so very thankful that the Lord has shown me my niche with this. I love it, love it, love it! There's no power point to prepare, no music styles or preferences to worry about, it's just me and Jesus and that's it. Their only requirement is that you just really worship, which is what I need and want to do. It's a win-win situation. I'm actually leading a set from 10pm to midnight tonight. I'm a night-owl, so it sounds good to me...

Yard Sale

2009-06-13T00:13:00.003-04:00

Today we were reminded of the fact that we do not ever want to have another yard sale, ever, ever. We jumped in with Barry's mom and sister and neighbor and friends, etc. for a group yard sale. Yeah... We made $70. That's great and all, but considering all the prep time and then the almost 9 hours out in the heat I really don't think it's worth the trouble. From now on we will definitely stick to dropping everything off with Good Will.

Jane Eyre

2009-06-06T02:31:00.006-04:00

I started reading Jane Eyre and I love it. I can't wait til I'm done so I can get back to going to bed on time. I took the book down to the waterfall today with the kids and I read as they played. It was great. When I read Rochester's words of devotion toward Jane I almost shed some tears because I couldn't help but think of how the Lord is moving us into more of a "Bridal Identity." I pray that we'll gain a deeper revelation of the reality of our Bridegroom and His imminent return.

Isaiah 54

2009-06-01T08:31:00.009-04:00

I want to start the day out meditating in Isaiah 54:10-17

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

God is compassionate toward me! I need to dwell on that. The past two years have been very difficult, but regardless of the "shaking of mountains," His love for me is unfailing. His love for me remains strong, regardless of the hardships I've been through. He is making the rough places smooth, thus the "removal of hills." This has been very painful and difficult, but He is faithful. He loves me. Nothing can separate me from His love.

It's been so intense. There have been many times I felt my heart slipping into despair and hopelessness. God is faithful! Every attack of the enemy God has and will redeem.

"O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires. I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones. All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children's peace. In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you."

He's not through yet and I will not give up. He will yet bring comfort, healing and restoration. He will yet redeem. He is merciful. The attacks and the destruction were NOT His doing and He says that my enemies will surrender to me. They will not win! The darkness that has covered my life will not win. I put my mustard seed of faith in the soil of God's faithful heart and I choose to trust and believe for help and redemption. I will yet see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

"See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc; no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me," declares the Lord."

God Himself is the one who created our opposition. He did not create an adversary to overpower us, but so that we could overpower him! We will not fail. Our God is greater than our enemy! Our enemies are subject to our God. Therefore, I can confidently stand and say, "No!" to my enemy's taunts and accusations. That is the heritage God has given me. I am hemmed in by His triumphal procession, regardless of my circumstances, and I will refute every tongue that accuses me.

Oh Lord, how desperately I need Your strength! Please strengthen me to refute every accusation and to confidently contend for Your healing and breakthrough in my life. I was not created for defeat! I was created for victory. Like the Shield Maiden of Rohan, I am uniquely qualified in Christ to defeat even the most terrifying enemies.

Renew

2009-05-31T23:27:00.007-04:00

Wow. I heard a great word tonight. It was out of Nehemiah. I'm seeking God to strengthen my hands so that I do not give up. May I have a mind to work, may I be full of His joy and HOPE -- full of confident expectation that I will see His goodness in the land of the living. Confident that He is faithful and that He will finish the good work He's started in me.

May I keep one hand on the sword and one hand ready to build and do the hard work required to carry out the vision. May I walk in His divine empowerment to remain in the vision and to continually work toward the vision. May I be refreshed and renewed in my understanding of God's vision for me. May I see it anew and be filled with fresh vigor and zeal to see it through. May zeal for the Lord's house consume me.

I was so blessed to have Leslie and Jamie pray for me. I will see His goodness in the Land of the Living. God will not give up on me. God knows exactly where I am in Him. He sees the secret cry of my heart. I will not give up hope! He is near. Like Holly said, He is jealous for me.

He is giving me grace to press the battle as it seems to swell and rage all around me. I will not give up. I will not give in. If I don't quit I'll surely win. The Lord fights for me as I stand my ground in Him.

Renewed strength and vigor. Renewed vision. Renewed resolve. Renewed passion. Renew, renew, renew. More of You, Lord!

Word

2009-05-30T13:29:00.005-04:00

Scriptures I've been chewing on:

Psalm 121:5

The Lord watches over me! He is the shade at my right hand. The sun shall not harm me by day, nor the moon by night.

He is my shade. He is my rest and refreshment. He is my shelter and He is ever present.

Romans 8:35-39

NOTHING can separate me from God's love! Not trouble, not hardship, not persecution, famine, nakedness, danger or sword. There have been times where I've allowed my suffering to separate me from Him in my own mind, but the reality that I must meditate on and believe is that nothing can separate me from His love.

Nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:17

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

When we suffer in Him, our suffering results in glory. That's big. I need more revelation on that so that suffering allows me to be built up and not torn down.

Romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Oh! If only I could get a glimpse of that glory. I need a revelation of the power in this truth so that I can be sustained in seasons of prolonged hardship. God, give your people a revelation of the coming glory, give us vision and inspiration to endure. You are good! None of the mess will be wasted. Let us live in you and be full of hope that you are indeed conforming us to the image of Christ.

If Christ was perfected through his sufferings, then how much more do we need that work in our lives. God, let it not be in vain. Give us grace to cooperate with you and entrust ourselves to you without reservation or fear. You are doing a good work in your people.

Fun

2009-05-26T16:39:00.004-04:00

This was way too fun not to share. It's not everyday that you get to throw your old couch off a second story deck. I've wanted to do this for a long time.

S.O.S Chapter 5 "The Season of Suffering"

2009-05-17T22:30:00.005-04:00

Notes from 5/10/09 service:

Christianity is NOT a system of beliefs, but a relationship with a man, Jesus Christ. When we lose sight of this our souls wither and become consumed with vague and unsatisfied longings.

Song of Solomon (symbolic of New Testament truths...)

Chapter 2 -- How He loves us! Even in the place of being burnt-out and bruised, dealing with sin-issues and shame, even in the place of weakness God speaks love and affirmation over us. There are 84 affirmations in S.O.S He never demeans her! God loves us radically without ever demeaning or accusing us.

Chapter 3 -- Let's run together! Let's win some victories. She goes with Him knowing that it's better to be with Him in the mountains than without Him in her comfort zone.

Chapter 4 -- vs 9 "You have stolen my heart" (Make it personal! This is what God speaks to us. Believe it and let it affect your heart.) She's done nothing but offer him a sincere yes and He says, "you've ravished my heart," "Do you know the way you move me?" Even the smallest attempt to please Him ravishes His heart. He loves to tell us how much He loves us!!! He is captivated by a heart that desires to be beautiful to the Lord. A heart that says no to sin and yes to God over and over. The real issue is not the devil, he is just a paw. The real issue is whether or not the human heart will choose to love God. Will our hearts choose the Lord? Will we believe His love even in the face of trying circumstances, ceaseless accusations about God's character and our own failings. Believe His love!

"Blow on my garden." Whatever will bring pleasure to the King, be it hardships and pain or blessings and abundance, let it come! Let it blow on my life. WILL WE TRUST HIS LOVE?

Vs 16 Whatever happens, let it happen. Whatever would bring you pleasure, let it come. She's abandoned to Him because she trusts His leadership and His love and His voice of affirmation.

God knows how to mix the ingredients of our lives to make us into a suitable Bride for His son! None of it is in vain. None of it is wasted! We will tend our hearts and root out offense? Though our circumstances may be a prison around us, He has wrapped us in chords of kindness and surrounded us with the treasure of His faithfulness.

Chapter 5 Even though He invites her into a season of suffering, she trusts His leadership and His love. He knows what He is doing! His leadership in my life is excellent!!!

Vs 2 He's inviting her into the night, the season of sharing in the fellowship of his sufferings in order to deepen their love. She's getting it! The fact that he has shared in her humanity and that He loves her. He's experienced the night (suffering) and has invited her out into it. Jesus was despised, rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

There's another level of knowing Him -- knowing Him as the suffering servant. He invites us to deepen (Phil 3). He's taking us into a greater intimacy, but it is through the road of sufferings. Unfortunatley, it is in these hardships that many allow offense to come in. If the offense remains, the heart will become distant and cold toward the Lord. "I don't want to be offended when it's all coming down..."

She follows Him into the night. He is no longer there. This is when we can't hear God or see Him -- our circumstances are painful, our vision is limited -- we lack understanding and feel a sense of abandonment. He allows her to experience a sense of abandonment, just like Jesus did. This is fellowship with Jesus in the night.

Vs 6 The place of the dark night. God steps back and it deepens the love we share. It's for the purpose of drawing us into greater intimacy. Trust His leadership, even though you can't see Him, hear Him or feel Him.

Vs 7 In the middle of this dark season she experiences woundings from surrounding people -- the watchmen. Those she trusted were the very ones who wounded her. In her vulnerable state she was hurt by those she trusted. (ie. spiritual leaders, the church.)

The purpose of this season is to help us remember to find our sole attachment in Him, not people. Only Him. In the end we can only trust Him to sustain. Only He can truly comfort our hearts.

God will allow negative situations to help us refocus our lives on Him.

Vs 8 She's in the dark and she's been beaten. She goes to her friends and says, "if you find Him, tell Him I love Him." "Tell Him I'm not offended with Him." She endures that dark night and she says, "I'm not offended with you, Lord. I'm lovesick." WOW. This moves the heart of God in a way we cannot even comprehend.

SOS 5:10-16
She proclaims the knowledge of God in the night season. She affirms His leadership. She affirms His person, "the fairest of 10,000." She affirms Him with a heart that is unoffended. His head is the finest gold. His leadership is perfect.

Chapter 6 After this season of suffering and testing, He falls so madly in love with her, "you are as awesome as an army with banners." You have come forth victorious. "Turn your eyes from me, they overwhelm me." He is captivated by her love. She has a lovesick heart that is not offended with His ways and He is overwhelmed by her love for Him. In chapter 4 He is ravished, in chapter 6 He is overcome, and in chapter 8 He is overwhelmed. She emerges from this trial (the desert) with her eyes open. She sees her lover as the most beautiful one. Indeed He is.

Follow My Faithfulness

2009-05-13T15:09:00.004-04:00

This phrase came to mind today. I felt like the Lord was wanting to remind me to follow His faithfulness. I need to remember His track record. His promises are sure and steady and like a rainbow with a pot of gold at the bottom, there is rich treasure in store as we hang on and trust -- regardless of our feelings and circumstances.

Ozzie Kicked my Butt

2009-05-09T11:37:00.011-04:00

Oswald Chambers, that is. May 9th and 10th were just what the doctor ordered. Both stung a little and were sobering, but they've helped me to get out of the dead-zone and pursue the Lord.
The 9th is where I've been and the 10th is how to get out.
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May 9th

Grasp Without Reach

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"Where there is no vision, the people cast of restraint." Proverbs xxix. 18 (R.V.)

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There is a difference between and ideal and a vision. An ideal has no moral inspiration; a vision has. The people who give themselves over to ideals rarely do anything. A man's conception of Deity may be used to justify his deliberate neglect of his duty. Jonah argued that because God was a God of Justice and of mercy, therefore everything would be all right. I may have a right conception of God, and the may be the very reason why I do not do my duty. But wherever there is vision, there is also a life of rectitude because the vision imparts moral incentive.

Ideals may lull to ruin. Take stock of your self spiritually and see whether you have ideals only or if you have vision.

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"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,

Or what's heaven for?"

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"Where there is no vision...." When once we lose sight of God, we begin to be reckless, we cast off certain restraints, we cast off praying, we cast off the vision of God is little things, and begin to act on our own initiative. If we are eating what we have out of our own hand, doing things on our own initiative without expecting God to come in, we are on the downward path, we have lost the vision. Is our attitude today and attitude that springs form our vision of God? Are we expecting God to do greater things than He has ever done? Is there a freshness and vigour in our spiritual outlook?

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May 10th

Take the Initiative

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"Add to your faith virtue...." ("Furnish your faith with resolution.") (Moffatt.) 2 Peter i. 5.

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"Add" means there is something we have to do. We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can do. We cannot save ourselves nor sanctify ourselves, God does that; but God will not give us good habits, He will not give us character, He will not make us walk aright. We have to do all that ourselves, we have to work out the salvation God has worked in. "Add" means to get into the habit of doing things, and in the initial stages it is difficult. To take the initiative is to make a beginning, to instruct yourself in the way you have to go.

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Beware of the tendency of asking the way when you know if perfectly well. (Ouch!) Take the initiative, stop hesitation, and take the first step. Be resolute when God speaks, act in faith immediately on what He says, and never revise your decisions. If you hesitate when God tells you to do a thing, you endanger your standing in grace. Take the initiative, take it yourself, take the step with your will now, make it impossible to go back. Burn you bridges behind you -- "I will write that letter"; "I will pay that debt." Make the thing inevitable.

We have to get into the habit of hearkening to God about everything, to form the habit of finding out what God says. If when a crisis comes, we instinctively turn to God, we know what the habit has been formed. We have to take the initiative where we are, not where we are not.

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I am choosing to seek God and put my confidence in the living and enduring Word of God -- not because my feelings validate it, not because my life reflects it, but because "all men are like grass, and their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers, and the flowers fall, but the Word of the Lord stands forever." (1 Peter 1:24-25)

True Story

2009-05-08T13:30:00.009-04:00

So, I was shopping at Wal-Mart last week. It's not my favorite place to shop. I always feel a little overwhelmed by everything -- noises, people and lots and lots of stuff. There are choices to be made and people everywhere you look. I'm not a fan of shopping in general; it wears me out.

I was shopping specifically for groceries, therefore I stayed on the grocery side. I bought the usual: Bread, cereal, frozen pizzas, milk, fruit, etc.

At the check-out line my total came to $190. I was thinking that sounded a little high, so when I got everything unloaded into the back of the car I checked over the receipt. I saw a $40 item. I was racking my brain to try and figure out what food item I could have possibly purchased that would cost that much. The cryptic letters and numbers to the left of that dollar amount didn't give me any real clue as to what the item might be. I even got out of my car to check the trunk and look over the groceries. There wasn't anything that should cost that much.

Being the question asker that I am I decided to take my receipt back inside and inquire about the item. I stopped in at the greeter first and she said she had no idea, so I went to the customer service counter. When I handed the 50 year old, bleached blond sales associate the receipt and showed her the item line in question she started cackling and bellowed, "you bought $40 Gala apples!!! Ha ha!" All the sales associates laughed and hooted.

I was pretty shocked by the oversight. They started going into other stories about this. They told me they knew of a guy recently who bought an $11 steak and it rang up as a $110 steak. The associates all thought it was funny and par for the course. They said, "oh, they just punched it in wrong in the back." I was slightly horrified. Shouldn't this stuff be carefully monitored through a computerized inventory system? They made it sound like Wal-Mart was a podunk country bumpkin story not an international super-store bringing in trazillions of dollars of revenue daily!

How many people really check their receipts anyway? How many people actually have time to do that? Luckily the kids were at home with Barry. Had they been with me I seriously doubt I would have gone to all that trouble to discover and recover Wal-mart's error. Yeesh!

Check your receipts if you go to Wal-Mart.

Speaking Well of the Lord

2009-05-02T10:15:00.012-04:00

I was reminded of a great scripture the other day. When we speak well of the Lord He takes notice and even writes it down.

Malachi 3:16-17
"Then those who feared the Lord spoke to one another, and the Lord listened and heard them; so a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the Lord and who meditate on His name.
"They shall be Mine," says the Lord of hosts, "On the day that I will make them My jewels." And I will spare them as a man spares his own son who serves him."

Oh Yeah...

2009-04-30T00:10:00.004-04:00

A thought for the day:

We ended up staying up WAY too late last night, so we all slept in. I was thinking as I was coming out of my sleepy-head state this morning that I needed to spend some time with the Lord. I was also thinking how I don't get much out of it when I wait until mid-morning to read the Word and pray. I'm so foggy-headed that I can't stay focused or hear what He's saying.

Then, the Holy Spirit, being the wonderful person that He is, reminded me: "Why don't you seek God for Him? Why don't you stop worrying about what you do or don't get out of it and why don't you think about ministering to His heart?"

Oh yeah... How simple and yet how profound... and liberating!

Where would I be without the Lord's constant shepherding. The human heart (mine in particular) is so prone to wander. I'm so glad that His mercies are new every morning and that He's continually showing us a better way than the selfishness that comes so naturally.

The other cool thing about this is that on Sunday I really asked the Lord to help me to love Him more and learn to BE with Him. I can get so goal/task oriented that I totally forget to fellowship with the Lord and my friends, too. Sometimes life seems all about getting the job done.

I know that's not what we were created for. We were created for relationship. So, anyway, it's been cool to have the Lord answering my prayer on Sunday by opening my eyes to some basic things in my life that need re-vamping.

How cool that NOW is the time. Repentance is right now. It's in the moment. Lord, I want to love you more and enjoy You NOW.

I'm so thankful that He is faithful to show us the way.

He's Not Me.

2009-04-27T22:04:00.003-04:00

You know, I realized today for the first time in a long time that my thoughts are NOT God's thoughts. That sounds silly, but I realized that I need to think before I speak to Him. I need to remember that He's a person separate from me.

Sometimes I forget to respect the Lord. It seems ridiculous, but it's true. I treat Him like a teddy bear and I think that thinking out loud is praying. That's just not the case.

I forget to repent. I forget that I need to live a lifestyle of repentance and that I need to be vigilant to forgive everyone of everything. I've been confessing this junk and I'm praying that God will restore me to the fear of the Lord. I want to respect Him like I should so that I can have a powerful and intimate relationship with Him. That just can't happen without walking in the fear of the Lord.

First Official Team Meeting

2009-04-21T21:36:00.003-04:00

Well, we've got our first official team meeting this Thursday night. I know we won't have everyone there, but I'm exited to get the ball rolling. I'm trusting the Lord will prepare the way and make it worth every one's while to come out. Help me to do the prep work in prayer, Lord.

Patient Endurance

2009-04-18T01:42:00.001-04:00

"I, John, your brother and companion in the suffering and kingdom and patient endurance that are ours in Jesus..."

As I've considered the state of Christianity in America I really sense a connection with John's words in Revelation 1:9 and the times we are in now. I'm getting the sense from the Lord that now is the time for patient endurance. It's time for Christians to stand. Truth is not relative and we're going to be pressed, but purified in the process and made ready for the return of our King.

Trouble Me

2009-04-16T14:09:00.002-04:00

This morning in my time with the Lord this song came to mind. I've never listened to it with the concept of prayer in mind, but it was cool to remember that He wants us to 'trouble him' with our cares and worries.

2 Steps Forward, 3 Months Back

2009-04-14T16:05:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I was finally able to uninstall 8.0 with all the drivers. That was great. Then I was able to successfully install 7.4 and that was great. So, when I went to start protools, it was completely unresponsive. I restarted the computer several times and it was still unresponsive.

So, now I'm running system restore. AGAIN. It is also a very slow process. It's much too pretty a day to waste it sitting in front of a computer that doesn't even work, so maybe I can find something outdoors to do...

Slow and Steady

2009-04-14T12:34:00.003-04:00

These must be really boring posts. Computers...SNORE.

Anywho, today's task in the studio has been to run every scan imaginable and to try and get rid of ALL Digidesign files and software. For some reason, this is not an easy task. There are 8.0 drivers that will not let me delete them.

I'm downloading 8.0 again from the digi website (takes a long, long time) and I'm going to try and reinstall it and then uninstall it and see if it will take those drivers with it. We shall see...

In the meantime, I'm updating the old blog.

Sad

2009-04-13T20:16:00.002-04:00

The computer stuff has gone from bad to worse. This is not a negative attitude or complaint, it's simply a reality. I just got off the phone with tech support and it appears that I have big software and hardware issues that will only be resolved by shelling out big bucks and doing hours more uninstalling and reinstalling of various programs. I am sad.

Resurrection Sunday

2009-04-12T21:44:00.002-04:00

I'm so glad that Jesus is real and ALIVE and that He gives His Holy Spirit freely as we ask. I've never experienced anything so amazing as having the Lord Jesus live in me through His Spirit. Everyday is new and the future is always bright , despite our mistakes and failures. His forgiveness is complete and His transforming power will never cease it's work in us until the day we see Him face to face. Happy Easter!

I Stink?

2009-04-11T21:08:00.004-04:00

So maybe it's not the computers. Maybe it's me. I've spent hours upon hours and days upon days (NOT exaggerating) to trying and properly install my music software, update the firmware, do my windows updates and locate and download drivers etc. I have used system restore no less than 6 times in the process and I've uninstalled and reinstalled Protools too many times to remember. Hmm... What does this reveal about my knack with computers? Oh boy.

Either I'm going to become a computer genius through the school of hard knocks OR this is cruel and unusual punishment. I have literally spent days down here in the bat cave trying to get everything up and running--to no avail. The fun thing is that I really am peaceful about all of it. I'm just tired. I'm trying to glean from the process and learn, but there's something about my right-brained, I-don't-want-to-read-through-to-the-end-of-any-instructions self that doesn't mind just punching buttons and experimenting until things are in a REALLY BIG tangled mess. Why do I do this?

I will say that the room is looking nice. That's not much consolation though, considering the fact that the computer, the Protools software, hardware and the audio monitors aren't working. But, at least it's pretty in here now.

I picked up a new firewire cable today to see if that would help. No luck. I can't update the firmware on the 003 rack and my sessions keep "underflowing" even when I reduce the H/W buffer size. I'm not technically-inclined. I'm actually extremely techno-tarded so, this is getting quite comical.

Jesus, I really think I'm more patient now. Can you please zap the studio and make it work? Please???

Waiting...

2009-04-04T20:33:00.002-04:00

We're in some limbo waiting to hear exact dates from Kidoong and a few bits of info from some individuals before we can move forward. Once we get dates we can run those by the team and make sure everyone is still able to come. Then we'll address the prep work that's going to be involved and give everyone one last chance to bail. THEN we can go ahead and order tickets. After that we'll meet and get things revved up for a great Kids Camp in August.

Interviews

2009-04-02T17:59:00.004-04:00

The whirlwind is over and I'm happy to report that it went very well. We visited Sunday and then Monday and Tuesday were full of appointments, errands, phone interviews and potluck dinner meetings for the potential counselors. Everything fell into place. Thanks, Lord for your grace and help.

Pastor Kidoong and his family and team member were very pleased with the guest house and seemed to enjoy their stay in Athens. We did our meetings there rather than in our home, which took some stress off of us and gave the Koreans the freedom to stay put and just let everyone come to them.

Kidoong and the gang are in Americus right now meeting with the Habitiat folks before they fly out tomorrow morning. His dad is the chairman for Habitat in Korea. Kidoong wants to highlight the founder and his work in one of his lessons for his children's ministry.

The team is firming up well. I've still got some info to collect and a couple more conversations to have before the group is set and we purchase tickets. But, we're closer than we've ever been.

It was so satisfying to see the looks on the faces on the potential counselors as they heard about Kidoong's vision and all the kids he impacts worldwide with his ministry. It's taken me 3 years to wrap my mind around what he does and I'm still learning and seeking God to help me catch the vision so I can stay focused and serve well.

We're just thrilled to get to be a part of our Father's work on earth and we're so exited that it's open for any of His kids to join in! What a good God we serve.

Yahoo for Smart Dads

2009-03-22T00:37:00.003-04:00

Mom and Dad came over today and helped me out. It was great.

Dad jumped on the bad 'puter and did a lot of troubleshooting and finally got the router issues straightened out and the network back in place. He also installed the wireless network card for the studio computer so I can get it back up to speed and download Protools 8.0. He is a man of great patience!

Mom worked in my yard some and took care of some things that I'm not able to do because of the chest injury. Speaking of which, I started rehab for my chest this past Thursday. That went really well. I really like the PT. She was a great listener and I think the exercises will help. I'm glad to have someone help me monitor my progress and help me determine what I'm ready for and when I'm ready for it. I have a tendency to over do it most of the time.

This morning was lovely, too. Eunyoung called from Korea to firm up plans for Pastor Kidoong's visit. It's only about a week away. I'm exited, but a little nervous about making sure all the details/logistics fall into place for all the folks I'm getting together. We've got 20 something counselors lined up to go. I need to get all that straight and line up 4 dinners and some gifts. Shouldn't be a big deal, but I still feel a little anxious about it all.

We had our second band practice tonight. It was just Pat, Zach and me. We had fun. It was kind of nice not having the drummer tonight because it made it a lot easier to hear and focus. Nathaniel, Zach's son kept us entertained with his drumming throughout some of the practice. He's only 2 and a half and he's extremely talented with some drum sticks. He's very articulate, too. Good job Sarah and Zach!

That's my day, in a nutshell.

'puters Stink

2009-03-18T23:27:00.004-04:00

Oh, technology, how I despise thee.

...not really, but sort of.

I won't go into all the woes right now, but I've been working with file downloads and uploads and jump drives and external hard drives and wireless network cards and firmware updates and routers and brand new routers that don't work and Protools version 8.0 that won't load and plug ins that won't download and updates that won't update and the list goes on and on and on and on....

Ahh... I feel a tiny bit better now.

Snow

2009-03-06T23:39:00.003-05:00

Was that snow great or what? I really felt renewed just seeing it fall! It was a little bit of Heaven for me.

We sledded and played all day for 2 and a half days. We were all so sore afterward. Thankfully we had power the whole time so we could keep the laundry going and keep getting into the snow. It was so, so fun! I'm so thankful for that snow.

We had been planning to either go to Snow Mountain at Stone Mountain Park or drive up to Boone, NC to find some snow. I was so tickled that the snow came to us. It saved us some serious cash. It was a perfect 3 day vacation. Our snow man still hasn't melted! He's nothing but a small dirty blob, but he's still there.

When the kids and I went to Target today they still had huge piles of snow around the light posts. I let the kids climb them even though they were pretty dirty (and wet!) Why not? When are we going to see snow like this again in Georgia?

Who-Do

2009-02-28T23:56:00.003-05:00

Find out who you are and live accordingly.

I am a Child of God.

I am a wife.

I am a mother.

I am a worship leader.

Get creative. The sky is the limit!

We're called to communicate the Gospel in anyway that we can.

ACTION

2009-02-28T22:38:00.007-05:00

Sometimes it's just nice to take a break.

I've had a super-long break from blogging. I'm so out of the habit that I don't even know where to start or what to write. There's been a lot on my mind, but it's all been put in my notebook -- the one with real paper that no one sees. (If you did see it you wouldn't be able to read my handwriting...)

I have been hearing this word for weeks that it's time for action. I still have no idea what action that is, but I do keep hearing that word. Watchman Nee's daily devotional, Oswald Chambers, the Bible, Sean Hannity, ect. -- seems like everywhere I look I'm hearing this word that it is time for ACTION. The Lord reminded me today that we are called to be a people of action. 2 Thes 1:11-12 talks about "acts prompted by faith." James 2:18 says, "I'll show you my faith by what I do." He's not talking about finding our identity in our works, but he is saying that we need to find out who we are and live accordingly.

Hmm... I think I need to mull that over a little more. Find out who you are and live accordingly...

Though I still need to process this stuff, that phrase was pretty convicting to me when I heard it earlier today, because in a lot of ways I know I've just been sitting back waiting for the Lord to hurry up and get us out of here. I guess I've had a "why bother?" attitude. Our culture and nation are self-destructing right before our eyes. That's just what happens when God and His Word are ignored. "There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death (Proverbs 16:25)." After what I read today, I realize that I do need to care more and I do need to make a difference--even if it is small.

There was a great quote in Catherine Marshall's book, Christy, about how God is always trying to pry our hands off our eyes and help us to look at things as they really are because He can't begin to bring healing and change until we acknowledge the brokenness and need in our circumstances and our world. Most of us prefer to stay in our ivory towers, but eventually, I think we must accept the reality of a fallen world that affects us all so deeply. That's the first step to change.

Often my first impulse regarding our cultural climate is to want to buy a cabin in the woods with a couple of cows, where I can enjoy the trees and my favorite people and just forget about this sin-sick, depraved world. I realize that is indeed a very selfish desire. God has called us to share the message that has brought us peace, life, and the wisdom to operate in healthy relationships, etc. I really need His heart for people, because honestly, I would just rather enjoy what He's given and hope the rest of the world figures it out. Lord, help me.

Where would I be if He had decided to build a cabin in the heavenlies where the Father, Son and Holy Spirit could hang out and just forget about how screwed up I was. Gee.

So, anyway... I think it's time to act. Still a little unsure of what this is supposed to look like in my life I pray, Lord, help me to not only hear the word, but DO the word. Whatever that may mean and whatever thay may look like. I know the time is short. May we all make the most of it. We are only where we are because someone took the time to share the message with us...

"He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. They will be punished with an everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power on the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you.

"With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Thes. 2:8-12

Treadmill

2009-01-28T14:12:00.003-05:00

Barry's mom let us have her old treadmill. We've put a shelf above it so that I can set my laptop on it and check email when I walk (very slowly cuz of chest stuff.) It works great.

My dad said that some guy has actually marketed it and calls it the workspace station. They're getting office folk to try out the set up so that they won't be so sedentary. He also said that they're experimenting with putting walking tracks in office buildings and having "moving meetings" where they all walk and talk. Good idea. Why did it take us so long to figure that out?

Korea!!!

2009-01-26T14:22:00.004-05:00

Well, it's time to start planning and preparing for our next trip to Korea! I'm in the middle of tracking and mixing a song right now. Pastor Kidoong and some of the team will be here in March. They'll be staying at the Snow's Mill Guest House. That's a HUGE blessing since my chest is still messed up.

The trip will be in August. This time we'll be working at a kids' camp for about 2 weeks. We've got some planning and prep to do. I'll be taking the band with me this year, so that means we've got to get in some good practice and recording time well before the trip. I'd like everyone to meet Kidoong before we go over in August so I'm hoping to have the band and other counselors on board and in the know before the end of March. I'm standing on Psalm 73:23-26 for this. The Lord holds me by my right hand and is guiding me with His counsel...

The Process

2008-12-30T23:51:00.003-05:00

Barry had a sermonette that was so good I had to share it. He was talking about 'the process' we all have to go through to get what we've been praying for/desiring.

He said, "Solomon asked God for wisdom and God gave him experience." Solomon didn't wake up the next morning after making his request with great wisdom. Solomon had to go through the arduous process of experiencing many things before he could gain that wisdom that can only be found by experiencing those things.

In the same way, there are a lot of things we've asked of the Lord. As a result, we've been handed some things that are sometimes unpleasant in order to get us to where we've wanted to be. We're standing in front of the microwave waiting on our order while God is pointing to the crock pot and saying, "It's in there, daughter. Be patient."

I'm in a season of life where I feel a little bit like I'm laid up in a hospital bed while I wait on the Lord to make some deep changes in my heart. Sometimes it feels like all I can see are the dull, white hospital walls around me -- the pain in the process. Barry reminded me tonight, though, that the view out the window is spectacular and at some point I will get to see it and move outside these confining walls.

Encouragement

2008-12-13T00:18:00.005-05:00

Long time no blog. I haven't had much to say. I've been in the slow cooker for a few weeks mulling a lot of things over. I still don't have much to say except that I came across some encouragement this evening and wanted to post it.

Streams In the Desert 12/12/2008

"Just as old soldiers compare their battle scars and stories of war when they get together, when we arrive at our heavenly home, we will tell of the goodness and faithfulness of God, who brought us through every trial along the way. I would not like to stand with the multitude clothed in robes made "white in the blood of the Lamb" (Rev. 7:14) and hear these words: "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation' -- all except you."

"How would you like to stand there and be pointed out as the only saint who never experience sorrow? Never! You would feel like a stranger in the midst of a sacred fellowship. Therefore may we be content to share in the battle, for we will soon wear a crown of reward and wave a palm branch of praise." -- C.H. Spurgeon

The Princess and the Alien

2008-11-22T01:03:00.002-05:00

Sam and Will a few weeks back...

Good Report on the MRI

2008-11-19T14:16:00.001-05:00

Yay! I'm very thankful that I got a good report today concerning the bone lesion. It's benign and we don't have to do anything about it. Yay!!!

Back to Normal

2008-11-17T20:34:00.004-05:00

Well, the ProTools training last week was incredibly informative and I'm glad I went. I will say though, that shuffling kids around and not being home was a bit of a strain for everyone and I'm so glad that we don't have to do that consistently. I'm glad to be home! I never realized what a refuge home is until I went a week without it. Family is such a precious gift.

It's good to return to normalcy, although I realized today that we still don't know what "normal" looks like for our family. What is normal? All the health stuff has caused quite an upheaval in our day to day routines. I'm having another MRI done tomorrow to make sure the lesion in my chest isn't growing. Hopefully, we'll get a good report from that and then Dr.Zengo can help me get my cortisol straightened out and then I'll be better than I was before.

If it would please the Lord, I'd love it if He'd just knit me back together good and help me to get back to being a productive wife and mom. I've had the thought in my head today: "Do what you know to do." I'm praying the Lord will help me to do just that and not worry about all the weirdness and inconsistency.

I need to get back into the 4:8 Princiciple book! Golly, it's easy to get your mind on the wrong stuff sometimes!!! I know I need to think on what's going right and be hopeful that I'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I'm Taking the Plunge!

2008-10-30T11:23:00.007-04:00

Well, I've decide to go for it. I've thought about it for a long time and I just need to do it. We received a small inheritance from my grandmother's death and it's just enough to tithe and cover the cost of taking the Pro Tools training classes that I've been needing to go to.

nFRIENDS ministry in Korea graciously supplied us with recording software and hardware and for 2 years I've know just enough about it to slide by, but not enough to really utilize the stuff.

I figure if they were willing to pay for the stuff I ought to be willing to pay to learn how to use it!

The coolest thing is that my uncle's studio is right next door to where I'll be taking these classes. Sadly, he's deceased, but it still really blesses me that the Lord would put me in that location for this class. How cool. My uncle actually worked with the band (OutKast) that owns this studio (Stankonia) where the ProMedia classes are held. So, even though I don't really know any of these people, there's a familiarity about the whole thing. I visited his studio several times as a kid and I feel so blessed that the Lord is taking me back there to train me to be able to do some of the things my uncle did (on a much smaller scale o' course!)

Ricky Keller, 1952-2003
Nov 1, 2003 12:00 PM, Compiled by Sarah Benzuly

Atlanta-based Southern Living At Its Finest studio owner, musician/producer/composer/arranger and Emmy Award-winner Ricky Keller died from a heart attack on Saturday, June 21. His projects included string charts for Bruce Springsteen's The Rising, Train, Outkast, Papa Roach, Stone Temple Pilots and The Thorns.

To Sum It Up...It's All About the Harvest

2008-10-27T21:48:00.008-04:00

It's definitely an intense time for the Body of Christ and I believe it's crucial that we understand the times we're in and the goodness of God in it so that we don't lose heart and allow our hearts to grow cold.

I'm feel like I'm going to pop when it comes to this stuff. I feel such an urgency to encourage the Body. I'm afraid that some folks are ready to walk away from the faith because of a lack of understanding. The Shack by William P. Young really blessed me and I believe it's one of God's provisions for this hour.

I've felt so impressed lately that everything we're going through right now is all very strategic. I believe God is allowing the heat to be turned up so that what is perishable may burn up and what is imperishable will be refined. It's game time. The Lord is allowing us to suffer so that His comfort can pour over into our lives so that we actually have something other than spiritual theories to offer the lost. We can comfort them in their darkness and pain because we have been there! God promises that "after we have suffered a little while he himself will come and restore us and make us strong, firm and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10)" So, we've got to remember, no matter how intense it gets, it's not unto death and we will see the goodness of God in the land of the living. He promises in Isaiah 43:1-4 that when we pass through the fire we will not be burned. We've got to believe this right now because many of us are being pressed beyond our limits. We've cried, "Uncle!" to no avail, but the Lord will not allow us to be consumed. He's accelerating his purposes in the earth for the sake of the Harvest.

I personally have been under the most severe trials of my life. I have literally despaired of life at times and wished I'd never been born. After a year I still have multiple unresolved health issues and now Barry and I are going through some very difficult things in our marriage as God's light has come in to purify and heal some things that were broken. But, I will say this, I have hope and hope does not disappoint. God is doing some wonderful things and I'm so built up and encouraged I can hardly stand it -- and I'm still in the fire!!!

The temptation for all of us right now is to be offended with the Lord and hold Him at arms length. Like when John the Baptist was in that prison cell waiting to be executed and the Lord did nothing to intervene. That broke Jesus' heart! I know that he is moved with compassion right now in all of our sufferings. The Lord has taught me this year that even though the "lights are out" and we cannot see him or feel him at times, he's promised that we will be strengthened in the seeking. Let's not lose heart and give up! God's character and love have not changed. We are definitely being challenged right now, but we can't give up. There's just too much at stake and the glory that will come as a result of our hardships will be so worth the pain!!!

I believe Jesus has extended a holy invitation to us to suffer with him for a purpose. I like what Paul said, "I endure all things for the sake of the elect." Paul was confident that nothing was allowed in his life except that which contained the purposes of God. We're in the olive press right now and it's so that the life of Christ can be pressed out of us and made available to all the lost and hurting souls around us. It is excruciating no doubt, but none of it will be wasted and God is not hardened to our pain. If anything I believe it will endear us to him and him to us as we reflect on all that he suffered for us and willingly give ourselves back to him.

Our pain is not without purpose! God's goodness is in no shape or form diminished and his love for us is stronger than ever even when we suffer. He loves us too much to stop short of his best for us and this earth we live in. Our Lord suffered unto death so that lost people could be reconciled to God. Let us not judge his ways as he offers us the privilege of being counted worthy to walk in the footsteps of our Lord.

Like the blacksmith at his forge, the Lord is applying heat and pressure to the Body of Christ right now in order to purify us and prepare us, his chosen vessels, to bring in the Harvest! Lord, help us to take heart that you will not allow us to be consumed in these fiery trials that often make no sense to our natural minds. As we trust in you and hang on, you will bring forth comfort and you will bring forth gold. It's going to be worth it and we have his promise that when it's all said in done, he will wash away the pain from the battle. Our sorrows will be gone forever and the treasure of souls we'll keep forever.

A Walk in the Woods...

2008-10-22T13:31:00.007-04:00

************************************Barry and I went for a walk in the woods the other day at Ellicott's Rock near Clayton, GA. It was so nice to be out in the woods in the Fall. It made me want to go camping! I think everyone should get out and enjoy the woods this time of year. Maybe we can plan a trip before it gets too cold! It took about 2 hours to get there and there aren't any "facilities," but it would still make for a great camping trip...

The Sword

2008-10-16T18:04:00.037-04:00

"The people who survive the sword will find favor in the desert; I will come to give rest to Israel."

Jeremiah 31:2

The sword can take many different forms in our lives.

About 12 years ago Barry and I began to spend time together. I was extremely guarded and very hesitant to consider marriage. The idea of marriage did not feel safe to me and I used to tell myself that marriage was for weak people to somehow rationalize the fact that I was way too scared to face the idea. After about 2 years of just being "friends" with Barry, people started asking us if we were going to get married. That totally freaked me out and I began to seriously pray and seek God to find out what He thought about that idea.

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The Lord told me that marriage was not for weak people, on the contrary he said, "marriage is a sword." He also said, "if you want to be in ministry, get married. If you want to learn how to deny yourself, get married." I know that's not a word for everyone, but I took that as a loving rebuke from my Heavenly Father and not too long after that I agreed to marry this man who had become my best friend. I had no idea what this sword would require, but I did know that after much prayer I felt the Lord had called me to marry.

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Our wedding day was wonderful and full of happy memories. We had an outdoor wedding and a monarch butterfly flew up the aisle ahead of me. It was really neat and I knew the Lord was affirming me and reminding me that he was doing a new thing and that it was good. At the ceremony Barry and I shared our first kiss and I'll never forget the feeling--it was amazing. It felt like someone dipped me backwards into an ocean of black, velvety weightlessness. Wow!

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For those of us who are married we know that after the pretty ceremony the the marriage itself can be tough. Tough is actually a gross understatement sometimes. Rick Joyner has said that when he gives premarital counseling he tells folks that marriage will kill them. He reminds them that God's intent and purpose is for our flesh to die and that marriage is a great means for bringing that about. That's pretty solid advice if you ask me.

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The sword theme arose again about 5 years ago when Holly Etchison sent our family a Christmas card. Inside the card was written, "And a sword will pierce your own soul too (Luke 2:35)." There's that word again! Holly has a strong prophetic gifting, so I took the handmade card very seriously. Later that year Jesus laid bare some unresolved issues and there was some severe pain involved. It really felt like a sword had pierced my soul.

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About a month ago the "sword" we dealt with then resurfaced and we are dealing with it again. Both of us are more mature and better able to handle it this time around. I really think that the difficulty I've experienced on a personal level this year (health issues, etc.) has served to prepare me for this. My thresh hold for pain (both emotional and physical) has increased throughout the year, which is now serving me well. The Lord has reopened the wounds, but this time I believe he is giving us grace to keep them open so that they can be allowed the time they need to finally heal.

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Just a couple of weeks ago, the Lord brought this scripture to my attention: "The people who survive the sword will find favor in the desert..." He immediately reminded me that before I wed he had told me that marriage was a sword. I knew he was connecting this scripture with the word he'd spoken to me years ago. That really encouraged me just to see the continuity of the Lord's hand in my life. I knew He was still doing a good work and would finish it, despite the pain and the time that had elapsed.

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Barry and I are both exited to see what the Lord is going to do as he heals and restores. I realize that you never feel more alive than when you feel like your almost beaten to death with some of life's blows! That might not make any sense, but with the constant emotional pain we're dealing with life has taken on a much more vivid quality. Facing issues rather than sweeping them under the carpet has a way of reinvigorating you! The battle that we're in has never been more real to me and it's never felt like such an epic battle. It's almost like a veil has been lifted and I can just see the battle for the souls of men unfolding before my very eyes as the strategies of the enemy are being laid bare even in our own marriage. It's very sobering, but also grants a renewed will to fight.

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I heard a great teaching by Beth Moore last night that fits in so well with this. She spoke of the difference between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper. I realized that for the first 10 years of my marriage I'd been a peacekeeper and not a peacemaker. Out of ignorance I'd just coped with the underlying pain that things just weren't quite right. I never sought to confront it and I never made any waves, I just silently endured the subtle torment that something was not right for the sake of keeping the peace. In reality, there was no real peace (in this particular area.) I was guarding a counterfeit peace because I feared confrontation. I trust the Lord's timing with all of this and am now able to glean from those mistakes.

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Real peace is not accompanied by any undercurrent of fear or paralysis. Real peace requires that we face our messes head on and take action to make peace by aggressively and tenaciously bringing all things under the rule of Christ. In my marriage we're learning how vital it is to do this as a team. Up until now, this issue was far to volatile to attack as a united front. (We usually spent our bullets on each other rather than fighting our real enemy.) But, God in His amazing mercy has done a wonderful work to enable Barry and I to confront the battle with unity. I really feel like we're an unstoppable force in Him, because love has taken the lead and we're going to follow until we reach victory and regain the territory that's rightfully ours.

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The Lord reframed a wonderful truth for me a few weeks back. I was praying for a friend who is considering marriage and the Lord showed me a picture of 2 people holding hands and walking through life together. He reminded me of the simplicity of marriage. It's a covenant promise to walk together through life and a commitment to fight on one another's behalf through all the battles that are faced. Obviously this doesn't work if both parties are not yoked with Christ, but, if both husband and wife are committed to Christ, then there's no possible way to fail--provided that you both agree not to give up. If you'll stick it our for the longhaul, despite the pain and battle scars, you will eventually reach victory and it'll be worth every bit of the battle it took to get there. Even when the battle is tough and one or the other gets bogged down in the mire you keep holding hands and you work together to get unstuck and keep to the path that Jesus sets before you. Sure it's messy and tough, but you can't help but make progress on the journey as you each give all you've got to see Christ formed in the other.

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Back to the concept of peace... When you or your spouse are caught up in the mire, there ain't no peace! Action must be taken to get "unstuck" and regain that peace. I had always thought that peace went hand in hand with ease and quietness. I'm learning now that peace (a.k.a. getting unstuck from miry conditions) comes at a cost, sometimes a violent cost. There's a definite battle raging for the authority in our hearts and minds. Will we allow Christ and his standards to rule, or will we choose to live our own way doing what seems right in our own minds? Peacemaking requires that we allow the Lord to wield the sword violently in order to cut off our selfishness (self-rule) so that we can make room for Christ's rule. Making peace requires taking action and that's what we're working on now.

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It's a lot of work at present and sometimes the residual pain and devastation from the enemy's old rule feels like too much to bear, but we are becoming peacemakers and groundtakers. We're fighting as one to gain the real peace and rule of Christ instead of passively enduring the enemy's counterfeit. Jesus has come "to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the path of peace (Luke 1:79)."

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I count it a great honor to fight my husband's battles with him and to have him fight with me in mine. I'm learning so much about sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Paul said, "I endure all things for the sake of the elect." My prayer is that we as the body of Christ would be willing to suffer any loss in order to gain Christ and see Him formed in the hearts of our brothers and sisters.

Catching Up

2008-10-08T11:53:00.006-04:00

My computer hasn't let me log in to blogger for a few weeks now, so I've missed being able to leave comments and posts. For whatever reason it's cooperating today. Yay!

We've had a busy few weeks! We've visited Providence Canyon, Valdosta, Lake Jocassee and Barry and I have also hit some pretty intense issues of the heart and made some ministry decisions.

But, boy am I glad it's Fall! It's drizzly outside and the colorful sweetgum leaves are all over the sod, I've got the candles lit in the kitchen and if I were physically able I'd put a pot of soup on to simmer. It's just one of those wonderful Fall days. I hope and pray that all my blogging buddies are enjoying God's peace regardless of circumstances, and trusting in His kindness and faithfulness despite life's storms. He is good and He WILL restore.

Sam jumping off the cliff. Barry is next to her.

Just a Side Note

2008-09-24T00:00:00.006-04:00

I just wanted to add that the greatest challenges Jesus has extended to me, and the most significant ways He is allowing me to be used are all happening inside the 4 walls of my home. He's showing me that if I can be Christ to the people in this household, then I will please Him. I'm not talking about keeping up the house and looking like a modern day Donna Reed (with this injury I've got I'm not even close to that), I'm saying that if I can accept the challenge to love the unlovely and serve the selfish even when it hurts then I've brought Him great pleasure and honor and fulfilled the biggest calling that I will ever walk in on this earth -- to see Christ formed in the hearts of Barry, Sam and Will. The most costly and pure worship I give Him is that of sacrificially loving my family.

Sometimes, we as moms and wives downplay our roles too much! There is no greater call than that of representing Christ day in and day out in the lives of those God has placed in our sphere of influence, namely our families.

Harvest Time

2008-09-23T23:06:00.010-04:00

"Endure hardship as discipline...no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:7,11

So, it's been a year of difficult things. The song that has been playing in my heart for weeks now is that Jason Upton song called 'Burning in the Sky.' Some of those lyrics that keep pounding in my head are as follows:

Been too long upon this mountain
It's time we journey to the sea

Sometimes trusting your false comforts

Is easier than trusting me

More of what we need

Less of what we know

It calls not to our minds

But cries out to our souls...

When God takes us to new places He often does that by applying pressure through various circumstances over a period of time (stole that from Beth Moore). CONFLICT + TIME = CHANGE. This is of course, not only painful, but many times down right offensive to our minds and hearts. It goes back to that blacksmith analogy. When circumstances beat on you for long enough, (and when You belong to Jesus and keep trusting even if you do a crappy job at times), a good change in your character will eventually emerge.

I'm beginning to see some of that fruit. I don't know how much detail to go into here except to say that God in His infinite mercy has released a deeper compassion in me (a compassion that's far beyond what I've ever been able to extend before) that is enabling me to see past the offense and love the offender. He's giving me a glimpse into that incredible call to be like Christ and be willing to overlook my own pain in order to reflect His love and grace in the life of the one who has wounded me. Sorry if that sounds cryptic.

I want to share a devotional I read the other day that really warmed my heart in the midst of some painful stuff the Lord is challenging me to face and deal with. This excerpt comes from Streams in the Desert (September 21):

"I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:8

The autumn season we are now entering is one of cornfields ripe for harvest, of the cheerful song of those who reap crops, and of gathered and securely stored grain. So allow me to draw you attention to the sermon of the fields. This is its solemn message: "You must die in order to live. You must refuse to consider your own comfort and well-being. You must be crucified, not only to your desires and habits that are obviously sinful but also to many others that may appear to be innocent and right. If you desire to save others, you cannot save yourself, and if you desire to bear much fruit, you must be buried in darkness and solitude."

My heart fails me as I listen. but when the words are from Jesus, may I remind myself that it is my great privilege to enter into "the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" (Phil 3:10) and I am therefore in great company. May I also remind myself that all the suffering is designed to make me a vessel suitable for His use. And may I remember that His Calvary blossomed into abundant fruitfulness, and so will mine.

Pain leads to plenty, and death to life--it is the law of the kindgom! from In the Hour of Silence

Do we call it dying when a bud blossoms into a flower? selected

Finding, following, keeping, struggling,

Is He sure to bless?

Moms, sisters, wives, friends,

Answer, "Yes."

Treasured Possession

2008-09-17T13:23:00.009-04:00

"Fight the good fight of faith" -- 1 Timothy 6:12

It takes courage to believe that we're loved by an invisible God with an invisible kingdom. It takes resolve to keep believing that He loves us and is committed to us when many times we don't feel worth that committment. I'm going through Beth Moore's study "Living Beyong Yourself" and it's been so nice to be reminded that God knew exactly what He was getting into when He decided to adopt us. When I first got saved, that was my #1 fear -- that God would decide I wasn't worth the effort and that He'd ditch me, like others in my life had. I was always striving out a place of fear to try and make sure I was worth His effort and sacrifice on my behalf.

I'm just taking some time today to remember and rest in His love. Where His treasure is there His heart is also. He invested His greatest treasure, His son, into this world that over and over turns its back on Him. He gave us His treasure and He's also given us His heart. I'm so thankful! It's so good to be able to relax and know that His love and commitment are not conditional. No matter how I feel about myself, no matter what the enemy keeps shouting at me, no matter how others feel toward me, I'm choosing to fight the good fight of faith and believe that I'm safe in my Father's love.

Remember This

2008-09-15T01:17:00.008-04:00

"I am calling you into my service. You are being enlisted into my service. The cost will be high. The danger is certain. But, the reward is very great.

I'm asking you to be brave. I'm asking you to persevere. I'm telling you now so that you will be prepared when hardships come... and they will certainly come. Don't be afraid. Continue. I AM WITH YOU. That's really all you need to know. Cling to that with certainty.

When men fall, do not let your heart fail. I will uphold you. Through storms, through sorrows I will uphold you. In pain and affliction I will uphold you.

Do not set your hope on the successes or failures of those around you. Do not be surprised when the deceitfulness of men is revealed. Do not be frightened. I am simply bringing what was hidden into the light where my Light can heal.

Do not lose heart. Do not be discouraged. The way is difficult, but not without purpose.

Always remember that nothing you see is going to last forever. Let that comfort your heart -- do not let it alarm you. The shaking will increase, but do not fear. Don't be afraid to lose what you can't keep. Invest yourself in Me. I am with You. I won't leave you. What I have planned is far greater than what you have known here. Set your heart on what is to come.

Enjoy the gifts I have given, but entrust them to me. Know that I am their keeper as I am your keeper and I will not fail. Don't be afraid. Nothing good will I withhold from you.

Remember this: When you are spent and broken, delight in the fact that you are being poured out for my sake. Nothing that you give to me is wasted. Nothing. I spent all of my life for you because I wanted to. Do not be afraid to lavish your love upon me in the same way. I receive your love, every drop, every tear, every sorrow, every ache, every prayer, every sacrifice, every song. Receive my love. Delight in my love. Think on my love. Remember my love for you and the lengths to which I went to demonstrate my love. I love you. I love you with an everlasting love. I love with a love like no other. I won't change my mind. I will never tire of you or cast you off. I AM faithfulness. You can entrust your heart to me. I will never betray you. I am near.

Do not despair. Do not give yourself over the troubles that wax and wane in your heart. When the waves of adversity swirl around your legs, laugh and know that I will not leave you. When the waters come up to your waist, sing and know that I will not leave you. When the waters are around your neck, worship for I AM with you and they will not overtake you."

Comic Relief

2008-09-15T00:24:00.006-04:00

Sam was tripping me out playing this game. I guess she was trying to help herself out by leaning. Barry told me he does that on the treadmill at the gym when he's watching Sports Center. I'd like to see that...

A Really Good Book...

2008-09-14T14:19:00.009-04:00

I just finished Brian "Head" Welch's book 'Save Me from Myself.' He was the lead guitarist from that crazy rock band KoRn. He got saved out of an incredibly wild lifestyle. It was a fast read -- very raw, but it's also very refreshing. The book chronicled his life from childhood to present.

Because Head was totally "unchurched," his perspectives really helped me to sift through some of the religious mindsets that I've developed over the years. He shares his Jesus-inspired views on denominations, the gift of tongues, dreams, intimacy with Jesus, trials, ect. from the standpoint of a new believer who's learning about things through His relationship with Christ for the first time. It really gave me some much needed insight about how the lost view the church and just what it's like to be lost in general. In my overly insulated "Christian" bubble I've really lost touch personally with the lost and the Great Commission.

I became very convicted as I read. I realized just how religious I've become over the years and how far I've travelled away from a pure and simple relationship with Jesus. I think sometimes when we begin to feel safe in our relationships, our church and our positions of ministry, we start to lean more on those familiar things (because they are tangible?) and we lean a little less on our unseen faith-based relationship with Christ.

Reading about Brian's conversion encouraged me in my pursuit of a more authentic relationship with God. I feel really challenged and have been compelled to ask myself some tough questions about the choices I'm making and the motivation behind those choices. I just don't want to ignore the Great Commission while slowly and subtly rotting in the safety of a religious church pew for the rest of my life.

In this place of being challenged/stirred up I've been telling the Lord, "God, I don't want to play church week after week, I want to BE the church!!! I want to be with the people that are on your heart -- the people who don't already know you! I want to reach the lost!!! I just don't know how..." I don't want to trade the raw Gospel for a sterilized, dumbed-down, safe version of Christianity.

I'd asked the Lord to speak to me through my dreams and last night I had a dream that I was at church. The sanctuary was really hot and stuffy and I asked Pastor Mel if I could open a window (in my dream the windows where low enough to reach.) He told me to go ahead and I did, but a few bugs started getting into the sanctuary -- wasps, flies and other types of bugs. Before I knew it, I had jumped out the window to see if I could put a screen up to keep the bugs out. I was terrified though, because there was a big black dead wasp, stinger-side up right next to me and there were many other scary insects flying around. I felt panicked and paralyzed by my fear of getting stung.

Hmm... I'd welcome any insight on this. Perhaps we as the church (or just me personally) are afraid at times of the risk of really inviting the lost into relationship with us. Maybe the potential for messes and pain (and losing what we hold most dear -- for me that's my family) keep us/me from acting according to the Great Commission. Maybe we're choosing to smother ourselves in stagnant 'air' that's safe rather bring in the fresh and unpredictable 'air' that is so near the heart of our Father.

I pray that the winds of change are coming. After last night's dream and all the thoughts that've been stirred up by reading Brian's book I was so ready for what Pastor Mel had to share today. As a church we are to be "On Mission With God" and our leadership has been working for 9 months to clarify our vision and pray, fast and counsel together about how to execute God's vision as a unified church body. Yay!!!

I loved what Pastor Mel said about how we don't get to choose our mission. It's God's mission. I pray that Jesus will use the fire we've all suffered in to make us the church that He's calling us to be. I pray that we'll be radically effective in reaching the lost. I pray that our hearts will be ready to lay down our idols of safety and comfort and that we'll truly be committed to living our days on earth for His mission and His kingdom purposes.

The Big Rock (and a Little Rock)

2008-09-14T13:57:00.005-04:00

Starr, Matthew, Sam, Will and I went to Stone Mountain on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. The Lord blessed Starr and Matthew with a free adventure pass ($20) so we could all ride the train, the sky lift and play putt-putt for free! That was cool. Also, the kids randomly found 2 GPS "treasures" in totally separate locations. One of them contained notes (in above pic) where people said they had a hard time finding it with a GPS. How crazy! The kids just stumbled upon them. We weren't looking for them and we definitely didn't have a GPS.

Coach

2008-09-11T00:26:00.005-04:00

I know I talk a lot about the chest pain I deal with (sorry), but what I don't mention so much is the pain in my rump from sleeping on my back so much and having to be so sedentary. At times the hiney-pain rivals and even overtakes the chest pain. As I was lying in bed this morning analyzing what the underlying (no pun intended) cause was of the hiney-pain I thought to myself, "this butt-pain must be nerve-related, because it feels like fire. Hmm... fire. Hey, that's not funny. I bet someone over in Korea or somewhere prayed God would light a fire under my butt -- and HE DID!!!"

Anyway, that struck me as funny in a morbid type of way.

Tonight I had a good talk with the Lord. I started by just telling Him that I need Him to teach me how to have a relationship with Him again. (Good place to start, right?) It really helped me to fess up in last night's blog about how I kind of resented the fire He'd given me and to read friends' comments about this stuff. I was able to acknowledge with the Lord that I'd pretty much had a "baditude." I've realized just how staunchly I felt about my so-called rights and how violently I'd sought to defend them. I always assumed comfort, sleep and health were somehow rights. Well, I was wrong. I don't have a right to anything that will compete with God's best for my life. His best is, of course, Christ-like character, not ease of living.

I agreed with Him that I don't want to stay a light-weight Christian forever. I do want to grow up in Him and I agreed with Him that the only way to get there was to go through some hard stuff. It's like I had been a chief brown-noser in the King's court and He sent me out to feed the pigs or something. That's how I've felt. A little stuffy and offended.

Anyway, I'm finally getting around to realizing that I can't nurse my wounds forever and that holding a grudge against the Almighty might not be the best course of action and that yes, I want to "buy gold" in this season instead of tucking my tail and running away from God.

The Lord met me by bringing Hebrews 12 to mind. The verse that played over and over through my head was, "and they respected them for it..." speaking of how kids respect their dads for the discipline they give them.

That's kind of how I'm feeling. I'm realizing that this tough love is pretty neat. It's like a rite of passage into deeper maturity and intimacy in Christ. "Remember the Titans" came to mind, too. I've been a pretty wimpy player and He's decided it's time to toughen me up. I had a really strong impression that that is where the Lord has us right now. The Coach is on the scene and it ain't pretty, but it will pay off. This is not a dress rehearsal, this is the real thing and the only way for us to be prepared is to have the living daylights knocked out of us a few times. The first few blows leave us reeling and we're shocked. "What?! They've got cancer?!?!" or "They're getting a divorce?!" or any number of difficulties that happen to us or to those around us. But, I've got the impression that as we weather these storms that seem to be mounting in intensity, it will get easier and easier to really trust God through anything. Just like the boys on the team began to thrive as they were challenged and put to the test. It's not that the practices were any easier, if anything they were probably harder. It's just that they began to grasp the purpose for their intense training and they found camaraderie in a sense of shared purpose and in shared suffering.

I'm thinking that if we can take what the Coach is dishing out right now (for our benefit), then we'll be ready for whatever the enemy brings our way. It's like that scripture, about when the enemy comes in like a flood God raises up a standard against him. In some ways, I really feel like these fiery trials we're all undergoing are part of God's provision and standard for us.

I think we just need to keep getting up and getting back on the field. We've got to shake it off and keep showing up for practice because Coach is prepping us for victory. That's where He's taking us and He knows exactly what it takes for us to get there. Like in that scene from "Facing the Giants" where the coach pushed one of the players beyond his known limits in order to show him what he was made of, Christ in us is just waiting to be challenged so he can rise to the occasion within us.

We can do this, saints. The battle scars and wounds are just serving to make us all the more ready and victory will be sweet. I'm looking forward to getting to know God as Coach. That is what it's about, right? The relationship. He calls the shots and this is what He is in my life right now. It seemed to be such a rude and unpleasant awakening at first, but I'm realizing that I really don't have a lot of choice AND I'd much rather get a little beat up and live with some purpose and gain some maturity than be untouched sitting on the comfy bench going around the same old mountain over and over and over again never really growing up in my faith. If it were just up to me, I think I'd have opted to stay on the comfy bench, but getting pummeled doesn't seem to be optional and God did promise to finish the work He's started in me.

In my life right now, He just isn't available to me in some of those other roles right now. He's not offered to pick me up and hold me. Believe me, I've lain on the field for months thinking, any day now He'll swoop in and come to my rescue like He has in times past. I can hear Him now and He's saying, "Shake it off and get back out there."

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." I Peter 4:12-13

First Things First

2008-09-10T01:55:00.005-04:00

The fire is burning a little hot tonight (I'm in pain) and I cannot sleep. After watching the rain for a while, making an attempt at sleeping on the couch and then deciding to double check my email, it occurred to me that I could read some more in Sorge's book on delayed answers. So, I finished up the first chapter -- right on time.

It was just yesterday that I sensed some breakthrough in my life. It seemed I was getting a little bit of a clue as to what the Lord would have me do now that I am the way I am. What I realized after reading that chapter is that I really need to use this time to "buy gold" -- a more passionate love for Jesus Christ -- instead of getting wrapped up in the 'task' I believe He wants me to accomplish. Sorge reminds his readers that we've got to keep the first commandment first and the second commandment second. I've been pretty focused on what God wants me to do rather than being focused on my relationship with Him.

To tell you the truth, after so much pain, silence and frustration, I've really just wanted to hold the Lord at arms length. I feel kind of like a spoiled brat who's been corrected by her Dad -- At times He's found me copping an attitude and nursing my wounds.

Whenever I'd stop to consider the lack in our relationship, I'd just chock it up to that vision I had a few months back of Jesus carrying me up to Mt. Doom. Sam and Frodo didn't have a lot to say to each other, so I figured the Lord and I didn't have much to talk about either. It's just a tough climb and we've both been out of breath. Right?

Maybe not so much. Maybe I've really just been a little ticked-off with Him. I won't deny that I've struggled with that some. Debbie hit the nail on the head, too, when she talked about seeking Him for what He can do for me versus seeking Him for who He is.

I think I've been so distracted with my circumstances that I really haven't known how to seek Him for who He is. It's not easy to view His chastisement as a gift when it's so uncomfortable and when it just doesn't let up.

Sorge did a great job, though, reminding me why I need the fire of God in my life. "In His mercy He allows fires to put the heat on our lives... Fire destroys the perishable and perfects that which is imperishable... God is going to turn up the heat on His last days' church, because if He doesn't, His saints will succumb to apathy, greed, lukewarmness, materialism, and the self-indulgent spirit of the entertainment industry. Be ready for it in this hour, dear saint. God is going to send or permit calamity to come against His children, and He's going to delay the answers to our cries for relief in order that he might perfect us into the image of Christ." (That explains a lot.)

That's not exactly a warm fuzzy message, but for those of us who are already feeling the heat it's actually a great encouragement and a beacon of light in this dark season. None of our pain has to be wasted.

Sorge goes on to speak of how the fire is to perfect our love for Jesus. He writes, "when the time of testing comes, and the fire is turned up in your life, you have a choice: You can give up, or you can go for the gold." This is precisley the crossroads at which I find myself. In my head, I get the fact that this trial is doing something good, but in my heart I still feel a little hurt with the Lord and I've remained distant. After all these months I'm slowly coming to terms with my circumstances, but I need to go beyond that and "buy gold" while I'm still in the fire. I feel really challenged right now. I'm praying that God will help me to seek Him and that I'll present Him my heart to be warmed in this flame.

Purpose in the Pain

2008-09-08T15:13:00.026-04:00

I'm so thankful that there is purpose in our suffering. Many times it feels completely random, senseless and frustrating. I read a quote out of Sorge's book"The Fire of Delayed Answers" yesterday that was very encouraging. I highly recommend his book on Job, too. That book got me through a lot of dark days this past year.

********************************************************** He quotes Jeremiah 23:29 and shares that in some seasons when God is working on us it includes pain, loss of control, intense pressure, and violent change. I know many can identify with that. "When the heat is first turned up in our lives, initially we feel like the Lord has abandoned us. But as we persevere in faithfulness, we'll begin to see more and more how close Jesus has been to us all along."

**********************************************************

I don't know how well I've persevered in faithfulness, but I do know that by God's grace I'm choosing to trust Him in these dark, narrow, confusing and often painful places. I know that I know that He really is up to something good even when it feels like the exact opposite. I've definitely had dark days full of questions and frustration, but I can also see how He faithfully keeps pulling me out from under the doubt-cloud and whispers, "Trust in ME."

**********************************************************

Through this journey it's been very emotional for me to let go of some of my old "hats." I really fought my circumstances at times and I felt very much abandoned by God. On my darkest days He remained silent. I remember at the begin of this injury I stood in my kitchen and said out loud, "God, surely you're not going to let me be this way for long. Surely, you won't allow me to not be able to cook and do mommy things." I just couldn't wrap my mind around that possibility. No cooking and cleaning and all the other things that seemed to define my role as a mom and wife. There were some very dark days, that stretched into weeks, that stretched into months before I began to adjust and really grasped my "who" apart from my "do" -- as Joyce Meyer would say.

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After almost a year with no significant improvement and after seeking medical and nutritional help to no avail, our family has adjusted. Barry has embraced the new roles given him and I am learning that I am loved and valued apart from the roles that I used to hold so dear. There is nothing so satisfying as cooking a good meal for your family, though, and I hope to do so again sometime soon. But, I'll leave that in God's hands. His ways are perfect and I'll rest in that.

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Thankfully, as we're coming up on the 1 year mark (WOW!) God is allowing some light and understanding to break through the clouds. I'm able to more easily accept the task He's given me and the refining and redefining required to accomplish this task. I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and the friends and prayers He's brought my way, too! Most of all, I'm unspeakably grateful for the way He can love us enough to bear us patiently through the process! If ever I've been tough to love it's been this year...
**********************************************************

I've realized that having this issue with my chest has really focused and decluttered my life. Since Barry is now teaching homeschool 2 days a week and since I can no longer fill my life with housework, yard work, exercise or anything else physical, God is helping me to remember to use that time to work on the 'assignment' that He'd already given me with nFRIENDS. So, that's what I did today. It was the first day I felt like we as a family functioned in these new roles of operation -- Barry teaching the kids and me really letting it go and going to work on other things. Last week Barry taught 1 day and I hovered nearby for the majority of the time. I'm happy to report that Barry genuinely enjoys teaching and had a great time working with the kids and they responded very well to Him. God's purposes for this season are slowly being uncovered and fulfilled. (Psalm 138:8, Jeremiah 29:11) He IS good.

One of Those Days

2008-09-05T11:48:00.007-04:00

I'm having one of those days.

I feel really challenged and yet emotionally I feel like I just don't have what it takes. I want to crawl back into my shell and hide 'til Jesus comes back.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, or rather, between my top and bottom shell. There's some stuff I need to face and yet I'm not sure how to go about it.

When Samantha was about 2 0r 3 years of age she managed to get
herself wedged between her bed and her wall. We had always taught her to call out to Jesus when she was in need. Well, I was in the kitchen and I heard her saying, "Jesus! Jesus!" And then finally she said, "HURRY UP, JESUS!!!" I ran and "unstuck" her, but that story is a classic now and tickles us every time we remember it. That's about how I feel right now, though. Hurry up Jesus.

This work of being perfected through our various trials and sufferings and God's commitment to our character versus our comfort all feels a little daunting right now. Know what I mean, Vern?

Rambling About Super Barry

2008-09-03T23:26:00.009-04:00

Homeschool is going well. Barry's helping. That's why I don't feel totally swamped! I'm very thankful that he's so enthusiastic about homeschooling the kids with me. He'll be teaching at least 2 days each week if all goes as planned. Sometimes I think he's supposed to be the stay-at-home dad and I'm supposed to be out in the work force ... except for the fact that he does both so well! I can't thank God enough for Barry's help, especially since I'm limited physically. He has really done a tremendous job picking up the slack in every department.

But, I must say that all of this is drastically different from life as it was before the injury. I used to pride myself on being able to do it all by myself (that's actually how I got hurt.) I used to really enjoy being a one man show when it came to running the house and yard and taking care of business.

Some of this independent streak may have come from the fact that since the beginning of our marriage Barry always liked to talk/plan about reenlisting in the military. I would read books and always try to keep in mind that when you're 'married to the military' with kids, you are basically a single, stay-at-home mom and I would mentally try to prepare for that type of lifestyle.

What a fruit-basket turn-over we're in now! He presently says that his new plan is to reenlist after the kids graduate from high school. We'll see. I'll support him regardless.

Day 1 of School

2008-09-01T06:49:00.004-04:00

Well, it's Labor Day and most folks are considering today a vacation day. Today we're going to start school. With Barry's crazy work schedule, we're never quite on track with the rest of the world, sooo... Why not?

We'll probably keep today pretty light. It'll be more like a dress-rehearsal with some fun.

I woke up at 5am because of the chest related pain stuff. But, it is kind of nice to have so much alone time before the kids wake up. I'm feeling a little discouraged though, because of this trial with my health just keeps going and going. I'm coming up on a year and I still can't lay on my sides. My butt has some type of nerve issue or type of pressure sore so I can't lay on my back for more than a couple of minutes and lying on my stomach crushes those damaged spots in my rib joints and really hurts. I often spend my time in the bed thinking up comfortable ways to sleep. The latest thought was to have a water-proof hammock thingee that put pressure on just the right spots (avoiding my aching toosh) and let me sleep in a pool without getting wet. A water bed wouldn't work because it would be too hard. But, I think a pool might work. I've thought about trying to sleep floating in the bath tub, but it's not big enough.

It's getting harder and harder to stand on God's promises for healing and deliverance as time passes with little to no change. How did Abraham and Sarah do it? They waited years for God to fulfill His promise for a son.

I know God will be faithful to keep His word, but I need His grace to be able to just keep waiting despite the pain and distress. I have to believe that He is the "God who sees" and that even when He doesn't bring any change, He is compassionate and He does care. Sometimes I find that I don't want to pour out my heart to Him about this hardship because He has refused my prayers for healing. Somehow it makes me feel like He doesn't care and doesn't want to hear about it. Sometimes I feel like He must be thinking, "Shut up and deal with it." I know that's not His heart, but the silence begs to be filled.

I'm praying, believing and working toward change in my thinking. There are many areas of thought that MUST be changed in my life. I'm a melancholy temperament, which doesn't help the issue much, but, there I go again being negative.

So, God, please give me grace to choose to see the best in every situation and to make it my habit to always make lemonade out of lemons. "He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion." Philippians 1:6

There are so many wonderful things happening in the Kingdom to get so caught up in this one negative thing. Going back to Barry's advice back in December -- I need to stay focused on what's going right!

Thank the Lord that he really has given grace to help Barry and I learn to work as a team to accommodate what I can no longer do. Thank God that by his grace we are organized and ready to start school today and that Barry is no just willing, he's very exited to be helping! That truly is a miracle. And even though I've overdone it lately and am having a hard time breathing I trust that He will help me to keep myself in check and not overdo it in the future. God is good!

Lord, please help us to see your goodness and love that surrounds us even when some things aren't going our way. Today is a new day to enjoy having healthy kids. Today I'm thankful for a house that isn't flooded. I'm thankful that I'm not being tortured and put to death for my faith. I'm thankful for friendships and food on the table. I'm blessed beyond measure. How silly of me to harp on the few things that are tough. NOBODY has it easy! I believe the book of Hebrews says something about how saints used to relish in hardship and all kinds of terrible things because it would offer them a better resurrection. Hmm... I guess that's something to consider also. The harder life is down here, the better Heaven will be when we get there.

This is why I started this blog. It helps me to have a place to barf out the junky thoughts so that I can see to take hold of the right thoughts.

Woo-Hoo!!!

2008-08-30T23:42:00.005-04:00

Holy cow! Am I dreaming? Did McCain really pick a pro-life, commonsensical, political-corruption bustin', Assemblies-of-God-attending woman as a VP?! WOW. This is sooo stinkin' cool. I just watched all the youtube videos of her that I could stand and I must say that she's nothing short of awesome. She reminds me of Julia Roberts in the role of Erin Brockovich. She ain't takin' no crap from any politicians and she's not afraid to call people on their crap and make them pay for it. Yahoo!!! This makes all that praying in the hot sun for 1o hours at The Call in DC worth it.

And Justice for All...

2008-08-29T00:46:00.006-04:00

I'm so stirred today with a sense of celebration that we actually have a black American in the role of Presidential Candidate. I just wish I could see the look on Dr. King's face right now. I pray that this victory will slam the door on the decay of "Black Genocide" in America and that we as American's can move forward seeking justice for the unborn as well. "Justice for all no matter how small..."