Have you ever felt dead? Not physically, but on a soul level -- fried crispy, stick a fork in her she's done, kind of dead?
I'm so there right now.
Oh, so very... dead.
I guess I'm not totally dead. Dead things don't feel and I feel. I feel like my soul is being sucked inside itself and crushed -- forceful implosion causing tremendous discomfort. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but my heart just hurts right now. An "I haaaaaaaaaaaate life" kind of hurt.
I feel caught and dreadfully hung in such a cramped place. I've been here for months and months and months. No change. No rescue. No answer. Just the vice grip of imposed expectations, inherited responsibilities and a total disregard for my interests and needs.
Finally, today, taking things into my own hands to liberate myself from this life draining snare, I have made matters worse--dumbfounded and poked the bear--and now I am more confused and more stuck than before. Lost. Who am I? What is this all for?
Additionally, a predator from my past approached me today to ask me to give more of myself for his gain. He's a striver, a presser, a producer, a slave driver who does not hear "no." He leads me into sickness not health, death not life and sorrow not joy. I don't want my "no" to fall on deaf ears again. I don't want to think about this.
I don't want to think about any of it. But, the crushing responsibilities still hang about my neck like a fat, rusty, scraping chain, weighing me down -- lower and lower and lower, making me forget freedom, making me cringe at the light, craning my head to only see dust. My mind is bound in a tangle of requests, unfinished tasks, mocking messes, unanswered demands, the "give me's" of oblivious, self-absorbed children, the mercenary requests of the smiling majority. My only refuge tonight is sleep.
I hate life today. Haaaaaaaaaaaate it.
I'm so there right now.
Oh, so very... dead.
I guess I'm not totally dead. Dead things don't feel and I feel. I feel like my soul is being sucked inside itself and crushed -- forceful implosion causing tremendous discomfort. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but my heart just hurts right now. An "I haaaaaaaaaaaate life" kind of hurt.
I feel caught and dreadfully hung in such a cramped place. I've been here for months and months and months. No change. No rescue. No answer. Just the vice grip of imposed expectations, inherited responsibilities and a total disregard for my interests and needs.
Finally, today, taking things into my own hands to liberate myself from this life draining snare, I have made matters worse--dumbfounded and poked the bear--and now I am more confused and more stuck than before. Lost. Who am I? What is this all for?
Additionally, a predator from my past approached me today to ask me to give more of myself for his gain. He's a striver, a presser, a producer, a slave driver who does not hear "no." He leads me into sickness not health, death not life and sorrow not joy. I don't want my "no" to fall on deaf ears again. I don't want to think about this.
I don't want to think about any of it. But, the crushing responsibilities still hang about my neck like a fat, rusty, scraping chain, weighing me down -- lower and lower and lower, making me forget freedom, making me cringe at the light, craning my head to only see dust. My mind is bound in a tangle of requests, unfinished tasks, mocking messes, unanswered demands, the "give me's" of oblivious, self-absorbed children, the mercenary requests of the smiling majority. My only refuge tonight is sleep.
I hate life today. Haaaaaaaaaaaate it.
No comments:
Post a Comment