Such freedom and joy I found in the truths God was teaching me. But, my heart feels bound, burdened and anxious now. Hmm...
A particular friend and I have been meeting periodically to pray and encourage each other. I shared with her all about the Last Reformation. She jumped on board with me. I enjoyed our prayer times, but often felt/feel burdened by her busy-ness and intensity. Also, she is very active at COTN. That feels strange to me because I feel like I just got delivered from COTN. It was God's time for us to go, but the process of coming to obey that was very painful. COTN still blesses many people including her family. But, we know we are called to be doing something different.
My husband and I shared our thoughts with our dearest friends on New Year's Day and God was with us in a powerful way confirming His leadership and extending vision for growing the church. We were all deeply encouraged.
My husband said he wanted to send me to Denmark to be kickstarted and that he felt it was the Lord's leading. I had a vision about the same time that indicated I was invited to go on a spiritual journey outside "the body"/boxed church.
The same particular friend invited me over to watch a video with her. Her text was very pushy, though, which I found odd and a bit annoying. When I arrived she had an intensity as if she was preaching AT me rather than talking to me. I sensed striving, pressure and even a bit of projection as if she were trying to convince me of the things she herself needed to learn. It was very, very unpleasant. Maybe it just made me feel pushed. She's just a much more intense and forceful personality than I am. Even though I felt uncomfortable at the start of the night, things did even out a bit and we were both encouraged when it was all said and done. Although, the lingering burden remained.
After that night (in combination with the fact that Barry suggested she go with me to Denmark and then insisting I invite her over to discuss it) I began to spiral downward. I couldn't peg why, though! In the natural I felt (and sounded) really "judgy" because I was attempting to figure a spiritual matter using natural thought. I realized after the fact, that I really felt (and feel) attacked by a tenacious religious/performance spirit. Makes me sick. All my joy and excitement about the new things the Lord was showing me just vanished. I felt/feel completely deflated.
Later, I had the opportunity to share with another friend. Again, it was powerful and God was there. No burden, only joy. And then a different friend. No burden, just joy and freedom.
Something about the "particular" friend, though... I shared all of this with her and she jumped in with both feet, watching the videos and learning what I was learning. But it became suffocating. It's baffling. She's a wonderful person! But, it's as if she's taken me on (without being asked) as a project or assumed the role of "Life Coach" in my life. (That role is reserved for the Holy Spirit.)
It's all made me incredibly uncomfortable. It's NASTY stuff. Very dark and very controlling and manipulative. Now, I KNOW it's not her heart to control and manipulate me, but that was exactly the direction things have been headed.
It's the SAME dadgum spirit I encountered at COTN with PM. The religious snake that chokes you out and uses you for selfish gain.
In the name of Jesus I say NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
By the grace of God and through MUCH prayer and processing with the Lord and with my husband I decided to call everything off that she and I had set up. I need space and I need it bad. I feel really irked that the enemy would use her to hijack God's work in my heart. She is precious and I love her, but I'm not her pet or co-dependent counter-part.
Abba, I'm trusting you to fix what needs fixing.
You know, after I sent the text to let her know that I needed to take some quiet time with the Lord and pause our meetings together and the "kickstart" we had planned, she replied and it was mostly cool, but then she called after the texts (good intentions I'm sure), but she called to let me know that she was going to be "awake" and paying attention and praying for me. I appreciate that, but dang it, BACK OFF!!!
So, Father, as it is, I feel strangely violated. Like my heart, mind and vision were raped. Gross, I know. But, what the heck???
I know it's a work of the enemy. None of it was her heart, but the enemy definitely used her. Ironically, she used to want to be a "life coach." I imagine whatever that is in her that desires that is the thing that reared it's head and came after me. It's a strange "leechy" thing. Again, the same, same, same thing I encountered at COTN. I will NOT subject myself to that thing anymore.
Father, I ask for keen discernment in all things and freedom from fear. I ask that you would heal and protect that friendship and you would allow me to be vigilant and firmly rooted in You and You alone. I ask that you would restore my heart and all the lovely things that You've been teaching me and leading me into. I feel like all the treasures you've dropped in my heart over the past month or so have been trampled and are broken and all over the floor. Somehow letting her in was like letting a bull into a china shop. The misguided zeal was catastrophic!
Father, I don't want to associate people with the enemy's work. I don't want to throw anyone "under the bus." I don't want to hold any bitterness or offense against PM or this particular friend. I know that they mean me no harm. I love them and I know that they love me. But, there is something working through them to attack me and I'm not going to subject myself to it.
I look to you, my Heavenly Father for direction, conviction, healing and restoration. You are awesome and YOU ARE GOOD!!!
Thank you that you've given me words lately about not participating in "man's work," but being available for your work. I guess my own plans and her plans are flesh driven.
I may very well be seeing in her and in PM my own issues. I don't know. But, God, I do seek you, that I would be conformed to the image of Christ, that I would know your love more, that I would love you and others more and that you would make me to be a true disciple and maker of disciples...
A particular friend and I have been meeting periodically to pray and encourage each other. I shared with her all about the Last Reformation. She jumped on board with me. I enjoyed our prayer times, but often felt/feel burdened by her busy-ness and intensity. Also, she is very active at COTN. That feels strange to me because I feel like I just got delivered from COTN. It was God's time for us to go, but the process of coming to obey that was very painful. COTN still blesses many people including her family. But, we know we are called to be doing something different.
My husband and I shared our thoughts with our dearest friends on New Year's Day and God was with us in a powerful way confirming His leadership and extending vision for growing the church. We were all deeply encouraged.
My husband said he wanted to send me to Denmark to be kickstarted and that he felt it was the Lord's leading. I had a vision about the same time that indicated I was invited to go on a spiritual journey outside "the body"/boxed church.
The same particular friend invited me over to watch a video with her. Her text was very pushy, though, which I found odd and a bit annoying. When I arrived she had an intensity as if she was preaching AT me rather than talking to me. I sensed striving, pressure and even a bit of projection as if she were trying to convince me of the things she herself needed to learn. It was very, very unpleasant. Maybe it just made me feel pushed. She's just a much more intense and forceful personality than I am. Even though I felt uncomfortable at the start of the night, things did even out a bit and we were both encouraged when it was all said and done. Although, the lingering burden remained.
After that night (in combination with the fact that Barry suggested she go with me to Denmark and then insisting I invite her over to discuss it) I began to spiral downward. I couldn't peg why, though! In the natural I felt (and sounded) really "judgy" because I was attempting to figure a spiritual matter using natural thought. I realized after the fact, that I really felt (and feel) attacked by a tenacious religious/performance spirit. Makes me sick. All my joy and excitement about the new things the Lord was showing me just vanished. I felt/feel completely deflated.
Later, I had the opportunity to share with another friend. Again, it was powerful and God was there. No burden, only joy. And then a different friend. No burden, just joy and freedom.
Something about the "particular" friend, though... I shared all of this with her and she jumped in with both feet, watching the videos and learning what I was learning. But it became suffocating. It's baffling. She's a wonderful person! But, it's as if she's taken me on (without being asked) as a project or assumed the role of "Life Coach" in my life. (That role is reserved for the Holy Spirit.)
It's all made me incredibly uncomfortable. It's NASTY stuff. Very dark and very controlling and manipulative. Now, I KNOW it's not her heart to control and manipulate me, but that was exactly the direction things have been headed.
It's the SAME dadgum spirit I encountered at COTN with PM. The religious snake that chokes you out and uses you for selfish gain.
In the name of Jesus I say NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
By the grace of God and through MUCH prayer and processing with the Lord and with my husband I decided to call everything off that she and I had set up. I need space and I need it bad. I feel really irked that the enemy would use her to hijack God's work in my heart. She is precious and I love her, but I'm not her pet or co-dependent counter-part.
Abba, I'm trusting you to fix what needs fixing.
You know, after I sent the text to let her know that I needed to take some quiet time with the Lord and pause our meetings together and the "kickstart" we had planned, she replied and it was mostly cool, but then she called after the texts (good intentions I'm sure), but she called to let me know that she was going to be "awake" and paying attention and praying for me. I appreciate that, but dang it, BACK OFF!!!
So, Father, as it is, I feel strangely violated. Like my heart, mind and vision were raped. Gross, I know. But, what the heck???
I know it's a work of the enemy. None of it was her heart, but the enemy definitely used her. Ironically, she used to want to be a "life coach." I imagine whatever that is in her that desires that is the thing that reared it's head and came after me. It's a strange "leechy" thing. Again, the same, same, same thing I encountered at COTN. I will NOT subject myself to that thing anymore.
Father, I ask for keen discernment in all things and freedom from fear. I ask that you would heal and protect that friendship and you would allow me to be vigilant and firmly rooted in You and You alone. I ask that you would restore my heart and all the lovely things that You've been teaching me and leading me into. I feel like all the treasures you've dropped in my heart over the past month or so have been trampled and are broken and all over the floor. Somehow letting her in was like letting a bull into a china shop. The misguided zeal was catastrophic!
Father, I don't want to associate people with the enemy's work. I don't want to throw anyone "under the bus." I don't want to hold any bitterness or offense against PM or this particular friend. I know that they mean me no harm. I love them and I know that they love me. But, there is something working through them to attack me and I'm not going to subject myself to it.
I look to you, my Heavenly Father for direction, conviction, healing and restoration. You are awesome and YOU ARE GOOD!!!
Thank you that you've given me words lately about not participating in "man's work," but being available for your work. I guess my own plans and her plans are flesh driven.
I may very well be seeing in her and in PM my own issues. I don't know. But, God, I do seek you, that I would be conformed to the image of Christ, that I would know your love more, that I would love you and others more and that you would make me to be a true disciple and maker of disciples...
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