~Finishing current work December 2014
~Starting the new budget January of 2015
~Starting Braselton January 2015
Yes. Yes, it does.
~Starting the new budget January of 2015
~Starting Braselton January 2015
Yes. Yes, it does.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
It's Not About the Money 10/21/14
...Or is it?
I'm making trips back and forth sometimes 5 and 6 times a week. My mind is constantly filled with to-do's and I'm corresponding through out the day every day with team members. All for two and a half beans a week. Not worth it.
Would it suddenly be worth it if I made 3 times that a week?
Because, I don't want it to be about the money, but I do know that being under-compensated for 8 months has been a real downer. I'd rather invest into the family and enjoy the luxury of time and an orderly home.
What is it worth to be constantly thinking about the job? What is it worth to drag the kids out of bed and into the car while it's still dark out every Sunday? What is it worth to be at the church throughout the week when there are other things that need to be tended to on the home front? What is it worth to feel so tired and burnt out that I just feel numb and apathetic about the things that should matter the most?
If I've got the numbers right, it looks like the church would be willing to pay me about half of what a teacher makes for 30 in office hours a week.
I could make that working 15 hours at the studio.
If it was about the money I'd be better off with the studio job.
But, there is the fact that I know I'm gifted and called to lead worship. On a weekly basis? Not necessarily.
Conundrum.
Father, I've been asking and I'll keep asking. HELP!!!!!!!
I do NOT know what to do. Yesterday it was to just walk away from everything and volunteer once a month. Are things different now?
What is it you say I can do? All things. But, within the context of weekly schedule what do you say I can do?
Because, the thing is, I don't know how to half do the job. I don't know how to NOT be thinking about it constantly. Any week that I'm leading worship I'm thinking about it ALL week long. That's just the way I am. I'm a perfectionist. It wears me out, but I don't know how to change it.
And then there's my old boss. I felt over worked with him and my response has been to just walk away. Same scenario. I'm thinking that might just be the wrong response, but because I'm so all or nothing I don't know how else to respond.
So there you have it.
Stuck I feel.
So, if the church agreed to that salary, then what. Would the feeling of stress and being overworked go away? How well do I REALLY use my time at home?
A bit of honesty with myself here, I am NOT good at speaking up. I am not good at finding compromise. I'm not good at embracing and accommodating my own weaknesses an limitations. I like to give people, especially authority figures, exactly what they want. I like to make every single team member feel valued. I want to draw people out and help them to grow.
But, I also want time with my family to forget the busy-ness and time alone to just be me and God, not me and a set list and hope that God shows up.
I just don't know how to do it. I want to be found faithful, but I'm afraid that if I continue to feel caught up in a trap of performance and work that my intimacy with Jesus will dry up. He is too important to perform for. He wants my heart and if I'm running myself ragged trying to get the job done then my hearts is just a dry crumbly mess. That's not what I want to offer him.
So, Jesus, I'm a retard. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a good mom in this season. I don't know how to keep up with meals and housework, homework, basketball, drama club, outings with friends, parenting through teen years, etc. in addition to the yard, keeping a healthy relationship with my husband and you and the kids and the parents and a couple of friends AND working as a worship pastor.
Oh, Lord, I long for simplicity, but I don't know if that's an option. Like, wouldn't it just be amazing if we did church with people once a week and met in a home and just REALLY worshiped and prayed and got into your word. Isn't that all we need?
Do we really need a stage and microphones and a full band and rehearsals and plays and huge events? That stuff just seems so silly.
I can't even believe that I'm sitting here trying to hash this stuff out when I've got this week's work hanging over my head. Yuck. And a meeting with the Pastor tomorrow. Double yuck. Not him, but the brain work I've got to do in preparation for it. Barf.
He asked me to make a list of what I can do and what I can't do. That just makes my head spin. I can either do the job or someone else can. There you go. There's your list. Hope that helps.
If ever I needed a word from the Lord it would be now. But, he speaks when he's ready. If he thought I needed a word he would give me one. If he chooses to remain silent then I must work with what I have.
Here's what I have:
(The sound of a pin dropping.)
I'm making trips back and forth sometimes 5 and 6 times a week. My mind is constantly filled with to-do's and I'm corresponding through out the day every day with team members. All for two and a half beans a week. Not worth it.
Would it suddenly be worth it if I made 3 times that a week?
Because, I don't want it to be about the money, but I do know that being under-compensated for 8 months has been a real downer. I'd rather invest into the family and enjoy the luxury of time and an orderly home.
What is it worth to be constantly thinking about the job? What is it worth to drag the kids out of bed and into the car while it's still dark out every Sunday? What is it worth to be at the church throughout the week when there are other things that need to be tended to on the home front? What is it worth to feel so tired and burnt out that I just feel numb and apathetic about the things that should matter the most?
If I've got the numbers right, it looks like the church would be willing to pay me about half of what a teacher makes for 30 in office hours a week.
I could make that working 15 hours at the studio.
If it was about the money I'd be better off with the studio job.
But, there is the fact that I know I'm gifted and called to lead worship. On a weekly basis? Not necessarily.
Conundrum.
Father, I've been asking and I'll keep asking. HELP!!!!!!!
I do NOT know what to do. Yesterday it was to just walk away from everything and volunteer once a month. Are things different now?
What is it you say I can do? All things. But, within the context of weekly schedule what do you say I can do?
Because, the thing is, I don't know how to half do the job. I don't know how to NOT be thinking about it constantly. Any week that I'm leading worship I'm thinking about it ALL week long. That's just the way I am. I'm a perfectionist. It wears me out, but I don't know how to change it.
And then there's my old boss. I felt over worked with him and my response has been to just walk away. Same scenario. I'm thinking that might just be the wrong response, but because I'm so all or nothing I don't know how else to respond.
So there you have it.
Stuck I feel.
So, if the church agreed to that salary, then what. Would the feeling of stress and being overworked go away? How well do I REALLY use my time at home?
A bit of honesty with myself here, I am NOT good at speaking up. I am not good at finding compromise. I'm not good at embracing and accommodating my own weaknesses an limitations. I like to give people, especially authority figures, exactly what they want. I like to make every single team member feel valued. I want to draw people out and help them to grow.
But, I also want time with my family to forget the busy-ness and time alone to just be me and God, not me and a set list and hope that God shows up.
I just don't know how to do it. I want to be found faithful, but I'm afraid that if I continue to feel caught up in a trap of performance and work that my intimacy with Jesus will dry up. He is too important to perform for. He wants my heart and if I'm running myself ragged trying to get the job done then my hearts is just a dry crumbly mess. That's not what I want to offer him.
So, Jesus, I'm a retard. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a good mom in this season. I don't know how to keep up with meals and housework, homework, basketball, drama club, outings with friends, parenting through teen years, etc. in addition to the yard, keeping a healthy relationship with my husband and you and the kids and the parents and a couple of friends AND working as a worship pastor.
Oh, Lord, I long for simplicity, but I don't know if that's an option. Like, wouldn't it just be amazing if we did church with people once a week and met in a home and just REALLY worshiped and prayed and got into your word. Isn't that all we need?
Do we really need a stage and microphones and a full band and rehearsals and plays and huge events? That stuff just seems so silly.
I can't even believe that I'm sitting here trying to hash this stuff out when I've got this week's work hanging over my head. Yuck. And a meeting with the Pastor tomorrow. Double yuck. Not him, but the brain work I've got to do in preparation for it. Barf.
He asked me to make a list of what I can do and what I can't do. That just makes my head spin. I can either do the job or someone else can. There you go. There's your list. Hope that helps.
If ever I needed a word from the Lord it would be now. But, he speaks when he's ready. If he thought I needed a word he would give me one. If he chooses to remain silent then I must work with what I have.
Here's what I have:
(The sound of a pin dropping.)
Monday, October 20, 2014
I'm Just... Dead 10/20/14
Have you ever felt dead? Not physically, but on a soul level -- fried crispy, stick a fork in her she's done, kind of dead?
I'm so there right now.
Oh, so very... dead.
I guess I'm not totally dead. Dead things don't feel and I feel. I feel like my soul is being sucked inside itself and crushed -- forceful implosion causing tremendous discomfort. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but my heart just hurts right now. An "I haaaaaaaaaaaate life" kind of hurt.
I feel caught and dreadfully hung in such a cramped place. I've been here for months and months and months. No change. No rescue. No answer. Just the vice grip of imposed expectations, inherited responsibilities and a total disregard for my interests and needs.
Finally, today, taking things into my own hands to liberate myself from this life draining snare, I have made matters worse--dumbfounded and poked the bear--and now I am more confused and more stuck than before. Lost. Who am I? What is this all for?
Additionally, a predator from my past approached me today to ask me to give more of myself for his gain. He's a striver, a presser, a producer, a slave driver who does not hear "no." He leads me into sickness not health, death not life and sorrow not joy. I don't want my "no" to fall on deaf ears again. I don't want to think about this.
I don't want to think about any of it. But, the crushing responsibilities still hang about my neck like a fat, rusty, scraping chain, weighing me down -- lower and lower and lower, making me forget freedom, making me cringe at the light, craning my head to only see dust. My mind is bound in a tangle of requests, unfinished tasks, mocking messes, unanswered demands, the "give me's" of oblivious, self-absorbed children, the mercenary requests of the smiling majority. My only refuge tonight is sleep.
I hate life today. Haaaaaaaaaaaate it.
I'm so there right now.
Oh, so very... dead.
I guess I'm not totally dead. Dead things don't feel and I feel. I feel like my soul is being sucked inside itself and crushed -- forceful implosion causing tremendous discomfort. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but my heart just hurts right now. An "I haaaaaaaaaaaate life" kind of hurt.
I feel caught and dreadfully hung in such a cramped place. I've been here for months and months and months. No change. No rescue. No answer. Just the vice grip of imposed expectations, inherited responsibilities and a total disregard for my interests and needs.
Finally, today, taking things into my own hands to liberate myself from this life draining snare, I have made matters worse--dumbfounded and poked the bear--and now I am more confused and more stuck than before. Lost. Who am I? What is this all for?
Additionally, a predator from my past approached me today to ask me to give more of myself for his gain. He's a striver, a presser, a producer, a slave driver who does not hear "no." He leads me into sickness not health, death not life and sorrow not joy. I don't want my "no" to fall on deaf ears again. I don't want to think about this.
I don't want to think about any of it. But, the crushing responsibilities still hang about my neck like a fat, rusty, scraping chain, weighing me down -- lower and lower and lower, making me forget freedom, making me cringe at the light, craning my head to only see dust. My mind is bound in a tangle of requests, unfinished tasks, mocking messes, unanswered demands, the "give me's" of oblivious, self-absorbed children, the mercenary requests of the smiling majority. My only refuge tonight is sleep.
I hate life today. Haaaaaaaaaaaate it.
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