I just need some processing time and here is as good a place as any.
Been a long time since I've blogged here.
Today is Day 10 of a fast. I haven't fasted in so long.
Life feels like such chaos these days. I make lists and then I lose them! I used to consider myself a good organizer. None of it is working anymore! Some of that may have to do with re-entry into America, new house, new school, new jobs, new everything... But, I'm sensing today that it has more to do with a shift that the Lord wants to bring about in me.
For years I've relied on formulas, systems, lists and more lists to organize and control my world. (I'm naturally very scatter brained and sloppy.) Those things are all backfiring on me recently. For years now I've have small moments where I realized that something was amiss in relying on those things. I know that ultimately God wants me to rely on the leading of His Spirit in every moment and every situation of life and yet, I've resisted that a little because, honestly, I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself NOT to be lazy or selfish or slack or scatter brained or ...
But, right now I'm in a position where my old "systems" just aren't working, I'm in a season where I'm asking God to show me again how to put Him first in everything, I've had nothing but juice and water for 5 days and I'm getting the impression that His pruning shears are out and ready to go to work on my life. I'm backed in a corner facing my own weakness and absolute inability to bring calm to the storm and order to the chaos.
I'm a little afraid. I thought I trusted Him completely. But, I'm realizing that when my house is messy and things aren't getting done and I'm forgetting to return phone calls and emails, etc. my ways of "righting the ship" just aren't cutting it and that bothers me. It bothers me that I can't bring order to my life. I need to get a grip on the reality that He who is in me is greater than anything else, even me. And, order or no order, He has something He wants to do.
My mind is traveling to the book of John. Or should I say, the Holy Spirit just brought up the book of John. (We've been going through it as a church.) I'm thinking of how John the Baptist was sent to prepare the way for Jesus and how when Jesus came on the scene there was a shift. A shift from John the Baptist to Jesus. A shift where John became less and Jesus became more. I need that in my life.
All my rules and routines were/are good, but ultimately they need to lead to Christ. He's the goal. He's the Master of all things. Just as John the Baptist was the forerunner, ultimately he was just rolling out the red carpet for the King.
Holy Spirit, I trust You. I got NO control. Clearly. I see that as plain as day (or night as the case may be.)
Please teach me how to completely rely on you. You are greater than my weaknesses and failings. You are able to lead me better than I can lead myself. You are more consistent than FLYLady and more creative than the best EMeals menu. You are more reliable than my lists and I want to follow the whims of your spirit, not the dictates of what I think I should be doing. You know me better than I know myself! I know that if I follow you I'll be energized to do what you ask rather than dragging myself through the drudgery of routines that I make for myself.
You never called me to the Law. You called me to Yourself.
I feel lost, though. I need you to teach me and show me how this works... I'm Yours! I agree with You, Lord, that my ways just don't work. There's no life in them. I agree with You that You do have a plan; You do have endless energy; You do have unending creativity; You're more reliable than my iPhone; more consistent than the sun that rises and sets; You can and will lead, guide and provide.
As much as I know how, I let go of the lists, calendars, mental check-lists, etc. I wanna hitch a ride with you and stop trying to do this on my own.
Been a long time since I've blogged here.
Today is Day 10 of a fast. I haven't fasted in so long.
Life feels like such chaos these days. I make lists and then I lose them! I used to consider myself a good organizer. None of it is working anymore! Some of that may have to do with re-entry into America, new house, new school, new jobs, new everything... But, I'm sensing today that it has more to do with a shift that the Lord wants to bring about in me.
For years I've relied on formulas, systems, lists and more lists to organize and control my world. (I'm naturally very scatter brained and sloppy.) Those things are all backfiring on me recently. For years now I've have small moments where I realized that something was amiss in relying on those things. I know that ultimately God wants me to rely on the leading of His Spirit in every moment and every situation of life and yet, I've resisted that a little because, honestly, I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself NOT to be lazy or selfish or slack or scatter brained or ...
But, right now I'm in a position where my old "systems" just aren't working, I'm in a season where I'm asking God to show me again how to put Him first in everything, I've had nothing but juice and water for 5 days and I'm getting the impression that His pruning shears are out and ready to go to work on my life. I'm backed in a corner facing my own weakness and absolute inability to bring calm to the storm and order to the chaos.
I'm a little afraid. I thought I trusted Him completely. But, I'm realizing that when my house is messy and things aren't getting done and I'm forgetting to return phone calls and emails, etc. my ways of "righting the ship" just aren't cutting it and that bothers me. It bothers me that I can't bring order to my life. I need to get a grip on the reality that He who is in me is greater than anything else, even me. And, order or no order, He has something He wants to do.
My mind is traveling to the book of John. Or should I say, the Holy Spirit just brought up the book of John. (We've been going through it as a church.) I'm thinking of how John the Baptist was sent to prepare the way for Jesus and how when Jesus came on the scene there was a shift. A shift from John the Baptist to Jesus. A shift where John became less and Jesus became more. I need that in my life.
All my rules and routines were/are good, but ultimately they need to lead to Christ. He's the goal. He's the Master of all things. Just as John the Baptist was the forerunner, ultimately he was just rolling out the red carpet for the King.
Holy Spirit, I trust You. I got NO control. Clearly. I see that as plain as day (or night as the case may be.)
Please teach me how to completely rely on you. You are greater than my weaknesses and failings. You are able to lead me better than I can lead myself. You are more consistent than FLYLady and more creative than the best EMeals menu. You are more reliable than my lists and I want to follow the whims of your spirit, not the dictates of what I think I should be doing. You know me better than I know myself! I know that if I follow you I'll be energized to do what you ask rather than dragging myself through the drudgery of routines that I make for myself.
You never called me to the Law. You called me to Yourself.
I feel lost, though. I need you to teach me and show me how this works... I'm Yours! I agree with You, Lord, that my ways just don't work. There's no life in them. I agree with You that You do have a plan; You do have endless energy; You do have unending creativity; You're more reliable than my iPhone; more consistent than the sun that rises and sets; You can and will lead, guide and provide.
As much as I know how, I let go of the lists, calendars, mental check-lists, etc. I wanna hitch a ride with you and stop trying to do this on my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment