He Will Do This 12/1/07

After going to bed last night, I was laying there reflecting on this cross stuff. I was trying to devise my plan for self-denial through fasting and I began to feel very restless. I turned on the lamp and read Psalm 37.

"Don't fret...Trust in God...Rest..."

That's good stuff. It also said, "Commit your way to the Lord; TRUST IN HIM and He will do this: HE will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Even in dying to myself I've got to be totally dependent on Him. That's really the heart of the matter. Am I trusting in my ability to get there or His ability to take me to where I need to be? Lord, I repent for walking in my own strength. I rest IN YOU. Resting for the sake of resting doesn't do anything but promote growth of the butt. Resting IN YOU is powerful. It's a posture of the soul--quiet trust and confident leaning on You, God.

Oh Lord, become more in my life so that I can become less. Let me be consumed with Your cause--so caught up in your kingdom that I don't have to remind myself to die to self--so wrapped up in loving and serving You that nothing else competes for my attention and affection.
I love you, Jesus. Thank you for loving me so much. Have Your way in me. Let King Jesus have dominion in my life and through my life. May I humbly yield to You at all times in every way. May I acknowledge You as the King You are and live a life of reverent submission and worship.

The Cross 11/27/07

The Cross. The Cross? The CROSS!!!

I've felt pretty spiritually flat-lined for a while now. After listening to, reading, etc. a combination of Biblically-inspired materials, the Holy Spirit has reminded me--once again--that I must DIE. Death precedes life. If I don't die with Jesus I can't live with Jesus. It's that simple. Jesus demonstrated normal Christian living and for those of us who started out as sinners, the starting line is in the grave.

When I say spiritually flat-lined I don't necessarily mean lacking in faith, I mean I've sensed a huge lack of power and passion in my life. Now I'm beginning to realize that it's because I've been holding onto my rights, my preferences, my opinions, my pleasures, my comforts, my reputation, my family (ouch!), my space, my sleep... The list could go on and on. Lest I harp on the negatives, let me remind myself that it was "for the joy set before Him that Jesus endured the cross..." I need a fresh infusion of the joyful reality of the cross of Christ. At the cross I am declared innocent of sin. At the cross I am washed, healed, and made new. At the cross I am brought into the glorious inheritance of Jesus Christ. I am filled with the power and passion of HEAVEN.

All of the rights and privileges of being one with Father-God, Jesus willingly put aside so that He could experience humanity. After living a sinless life and dying as an innocent man on a cross to pay for our sins, Jesus won back His "God-rights" and His inheritance and He has handed them over to us! We've been commissioned to go and do what He did in the same power and authority that He walked in when He was on the earth. This is big stuff for such a little brain!
A powerless life is a self-life.

An empowered life is a life FULLY, 100%, ABSOLUTELY and COMPLETELY surrendered to CHRIST. We overcome when we "do not love our lives so much as to shrink from death." As soon as we make the choice to fully surrender our wills and "DIE" to ourselves, then BOOM the life of Christ is free to burst forth.

Only Believe

I'm still meditating on the cross and the concept of trading my life for Jesus'. It's mind-bending stuff.

I've been somewhat incapacitated since October when I was in the hospital for some respiratory and chest stuff. Since then I've not been able to exercise, clean house, etc. Anyway, the lifestyle change has shown me just how dependent I am on meeting certain self-imposed expectations. For the first month or so, I really didn't deal well with a "useless" me. It drove me nuts.  I realized how quick I am to disqualify myself when I don't measure up to my own standards. Usually, I'm able to slide by okay, but after all the health stuff, I've recognized that I've got lots of "boxes" and not enough "checks."

Anyway, I'm over the hump now and I'm seeing just how many dumb things I've leaned on to try and earn my confidence before God. No wonder Paul calls it rubbish and poop. Nothing and no one holds a candle to the sinless perfection of Jesus. So who cares how you eat or whether or not you exercised or what time you wake up in the morning or how clean your house is?!? None of it qualifies you for salvation--sozo (healing and restoration for your spirit, soul, AND body.) Simple faith is the only requirement.

I repeat, THE ONLY THING WE NEED IS SIMPLE FAITH AND TRUST IN JESUS. That's the golden ticket to unlock all of heaven to us. It's mind-blowing. It's no wonder that we so often get all tangled up in religious garbage somehow trying to earn favor from God.

It just doesn't make sense! It's all free, but if we try to work for it we bring ourselves under the curse of trusting in the strength of man rather than trusting in God. Jeremiah 17:5-9
Galatians 1 addresses this stuff very clearly. Paul was deeply concerned that the church would be duped into believing that Jesus' death on the cross wasn't sufficient and that they somehow needed to add some rules in order to measure up. If Jesus had left anything undone He wouldn't have said, "It is finished."

Chutes and Ladders

Well, I feel like I'm back to square one with the health stuff. I tried to have a "normal" day and do "normal" things yesterday. I did a load of laundry, I washed the dishes, I swept, I cooked and I overdid it. My chest is hurting really bad--it feels like my pectoral muscle on my right side is shredded into bits and my cartilage is still inflamed and I'm basically incapacitated again. You don't realize how many movements involve your chest 'til something like this happens... Breathing hurts, moving hurts, laughing, coughing and sneezing hurts, I can't drive or do housework or much of anything else. After 52 days of sleeping flat on my back and "taking it easy" I'm still not able to do normal tasks.

This is slightly inconvenient and a bit frustrating. (That, of course, is a vast understatement.)
Okay, enough complaining...

I just watched Joyce Meyer on us.god.tv and got really blessed. She preached back to me what the Lord's been talking to me about lately. It was really neat. The Lord must be dealing with me. Hmmm...

God has miraculously healed me on more than one occasion and as you can imagine, I've asked Him to do that several times over the past few months. Obviously, that's not His best for me right now. So, I'm praying for understanding and a humble and teachable heart so that all this pain and frustration can become something useful.

Here are my notes from Joyce's sermon:

-There are no crosses that don't hurt.
-The only way to get to the life-side is to walk through the death-side.
-All day long I need to humble myself by waiting on God instead of trying to do everything myself. (Help me, Lord!)
-I need to humble myself by agreeing with God about my sin and being willing to apologize when I've committed an offense.
-When we die to our wills we can truly live.
-We've got to realize it's not all about "me."
-You cannot be selfish and happy at the same time.

Die to self. What is God dealing with you about? Whatever He says, just do it and you'll be happy sooner. You cannot be happy and selfish.

Which part of you are you going to keep happy? You're spirit man or your flesh. Make a decision NOT to go around the mountain one more time. Let God have His way.

Amen. With my eating habits, etc., even if I moan and groan, God, have your way! I'm certainly moaning and groaning, now, so God, change me, help me to cooperate and be changed!!!

The only thing that stands between me and greatness is my flesh/self. I've gotta humble myself and obey God and not me.

I've got to stop asking myself how I feel about things. That's the key. Don't even consult yourself.

I need to pray and process and really think about how God might want to deal with me right now.

The Clark gals dropped by today and it was such a breath of fresh air. They were in the neighborhood and it was so nice to see them. I was at a pretty low point and they prayed for me. The phrase "sweet fruit" came up and Lydee sensed that all the stop and go junk with the recording process (due to my health stuff) is somehow being used by the Lord to accomplish something good. I do trust Him. His ways are always higher and always better. You're a good, good God!!!

Another thing that's happening is that we're making some pretty big strides on the studio. NFriends purchased the equipment (amazing, unbelievably cool blessing!!!), but we're needing to construct the actual studio. They need 3 songs, which I'm thrilled to work on, except that this crazy chest stuff is making it tricky. Anyway, we're starting the recording process this weekend. (Oww... typing is starting to hurt my chest.) I gotta quit. There's more to tell, but I've already learned that if I don't learn to lay off then I'm going to be laying out a lot longer...

And You Love Me Anyway...

Thank you God for exposing my sin and self-righteousness. Thank you for reminding me that I'm just a broken and beat up soul in need of your mercy and grace. Thank you for seasons of being out of sync with routines and normalcy. Thank you for rock bottom where I can get real and stomp on all my pretentious masks. Thank you for the freedom to have no hope but the grace of God.

When my daughter was in tears over her frustration about not being able to keep her room picked up, I shared with her how I understand. The Mt. Everst-sized pile of laundry I had avoided all week was in plain view for both of us. I told her that I didn't know what to do, but that Jesus said,"Come unto me all you who are weary and heavy laden...take my yoke upon you and learn of me...and I will give rest to your souls." While she and her brother were drifting off to sleep I sang, “Come Unto Me” by Jami Smith.

Come unto Me, all you who are weary.

Come unto Me, all you who need rest.

Take up My yoke and learn all about me and I will give you rest.

It made me cry.

I cried more after I got in the bed and started re-reading a great book. I've never been more "ripe" to read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. Here's an exerpt from the beginning:

"The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind...it was written for the bedraggled, beat-up and burnt-out...

"It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace...

"It is for the inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker...(That made me laugh.)

"It is for the poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents...

"It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God...(I had to raise my hand on that one.)

"It is for the smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags...

The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone else who has grown weary and discouraged along the way."
--Brennan Manning

That's good stuff. The crux, so far, is that though we're so very flawed, we are absolutely accepted by God.

I've been reading in Galatians and thinking on the good, good news that we are justified by faith and faith alone. Galatians 2:15

By faith, not works we access His presence. By faith, not good behavior, we can enjoy Him and allow Him to enjoy us. By faith, not by earning it, we can access His provision for our lives.
The troubles come when we put more focus on what we've done wrong than on what He has done to make things right. Nothing we can do can outweigh His finished work on the cross. It's not like the scales are tipping and our relationship with God is in the balance. It is tough, though, when the enemy tells us that lie everyday--he's got some pretty convincing arguments and we stumble so often...

We may each feel that we're a disappointment to God and that we've already exhausted His patience, but the TRUTH is that we will never exhaust His grace and that His mercies are new every morning and that we STILL have access to "every spiritual blessing in Christ (Eph. 1:3)." Our opinions of ourselves may change like the shifting of shadows, but there is no shadow of turning in Him.

So, what's the application, right? How do we live this out. Well, I'm still trying to figure that one out, but what I've gotten so far is that our focus and thoughts determine EVERYTHING. If I'm agreeing with the enemy in my thoughts and words then I'm empowering him and souring my own existence by coloring everything with a shade of failure and a sense of being a disapointment to God, but if I'm agreeing with God that He has justified me and that it is not contingent on my behavior, then I'm able, by faith, to tap into Heaven's reality. I can, by faith, KNOW His love and acceptance even in the midst of what I percieve to be failure. First forgiveness and then "right living."

As humans, we probably tend to want to address our behavior first. "As soon as I get my act together I'll be happy and be able to hear God's voice again and know that He's pleased with me." But the reality is that we are qualified by Jesus to hear God's voice now and know that He is pleased with us now even if our behavior isn't what we think it should be.

So, rather than trying to pull ourselves up by our boot straps AGAIN, we've got to trust, rest, wait (Psalm 37) on God and get our thinking straightened out. The behavior isn't stressing God out. He already dealt with our crappy behavior when Jesus died for us on the cross. Jesus said our work is this: "Just believe."

As a Christian, my aim needs to be in getting my thoughts lined up with God's reality. That happens in the Word, but not in just with words on a page. The reality can only hit when we come to Jesus the person and He reveals His truth to us.

Barry's good advice to me during this "down" season has been for me to meditate on scriptures like Phil. 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and to focus on what's going right instead of on what's going wrong. That's so hard to do when you feel beat down. It feels ludicrous to say, "I can do all things through Christ" when you can't even seem to get your bed made up or cook a meal. But, there's more power in the TRUTH that there is in the mere "facts" of our circumstances.

Another cool thing the Holy Spirit has been reminding me of is that the gifts of faith and repentance are for right now--at the present moment. If I'm feeling mopey-popey and defeated and God's given me the grace to see that, then I can change my thinking (repent) deliberately on the spot and by faith, I can choose to rejoice and begin to thank God for what's going right and to the best of my ability correct my behaviors so that they line up with truth and goodness.
The moment I see sin I can repent and by faith in Christ I can change. That's awesome! Because of the cross, I can completely bypass the "frying pan episodes" of trying to beat myself up and wallow in my failure. I can know that it's paid for and that faith and repentence are for NOW. That's good stuff!

I've died to sin and it doesn't have the power to control me anymore. I have the gifts of faith and repentance to bring my behavior back in line. I'm free to obey righteousness now, instead of perpetually obeying sin.

I'm Broke

The title says it all, really.

"Come unto me" is what you've said, Lord. Teach me how.

The "shoulds" and "oughts" of life are using me as a punching bag right now and they can really take their toll. How broken we are. How far we fall from measuring up!

It broke my heart tonight to see my 4 year old daughter crying over the same stuff. We've told her if she wants more toys (Christmas) she's got to keep her room picked up. She's failed. At first she was very diligent and tried really hard, but soon she forgot and it's just as messy as ever.

That's exactly how I feel right now, Lord. I'm just a mess--I can't keep up with it all. King Jesus, I'm sorry that I haven't been who I should. I really have failed so miserably. I can see why people are abusive to themselves and others. It hurts so bad to be broken without the hope of repair. Even now, she and I both believe, but we still live within the confines of our weak human bodies and minds. God, we want to be MORE for you! We want to do better. We want to offer you a life that's worth something. Though it could never be worth the blood you shed, we want to know that it wasn't wasted on us.

Oh! I know that you would've and DID waste it on the lowliest of sinners. I am a sinner--a compulsive fail-er, a ball of unfulfilled potential, the list could go on and on. I need a savior. I need to be able to teach my kids about the savior. I want to live a life that's saved and victorious. I want to model love and victory not self-focus and defeat, for my kids. Right now, life is a parade of "I don't measure up." Holy Spirit, I know there's more.

As much as my frail little person knows how to, I RUN to you, Jesus. Please have mercy on our broken family. Please teach us your ways. Please draw each of us deep into your bosom. How we long for the embrace of a loving Father.

Jesus, you came and walked among us and felt what we feel. You felt the heavy yoke of humanity and you authored a better way. Teach us, Good Shepherd. Teach us Your way.